What am I doing.

I began this blog a year and a half ago with every intention of it being about how I was going to start all over. It never happened.

I’ve spent the majority of this time thinking about how I’m not living up to the commitment, that of beginning all over again, square one, the building of the person that I’ve been dying to get to know, because I don’t know her, and yet I’ve not been able to make one half of my brain wrap its head around what the other half is doing. The two fight constantly.

I guess I should explain.

Three years ago this month I tried to kill myself. When I was recently asked by an old friend, that I’m so blessed to have reunited with, if I had thought about anyone else when I was in that moment, I very clearly knew that the answer was no.

And there begins the root of this problem. Being the only one who exists in your insanity the answer should be clear.

Isolation.

It becomes the norm.

Is it fight or flight?

We all are exposed now a days with the thought process of happiness and positive sayings. It inundates us every day on social media. But I’m at the place where those thoughts have become of the utmost importance to me. Both in a good and a bad way.

There is the sane mind that helps me to recognize that they bring peace and happiness to those in that place and that is where I strive to be, then there are the thoughts that make you feel like you can never live up to those post, those sayings that are shared for the completely opposite reason, but because of you own personal voice you feel they are there to remove  any question of your failure as a human being.

And so who am I?

Which side of my brain will win?

Is it fight or flight?

 

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