I woke yesterday morning with Gods voice saying to me:
“You have been living as a round peg trying to fit into a square hole for entirely too long now. It’s time to stop”
I know it is Gods words communicating to me his message and observations about my life. I know because of all of the amazing moments in time that I have heard his voice and because usually it is when I first open my eyes in the morning.
An epiphany some would say, it rang so true in my head that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen the the analogy before. Then I recognized that he had been watching me closely over the week and knew it was time to present the message after what I had experienced…..
-being with my son while he was in so much pain I was able to remain true to what I knew to be true and I believe that brought him great comfort, even through his tears
-being at the leadership conference at work Wednesday and Thursday and finally consciously acknowledging my voice on the second day, allowing it to flow.
-making the absolute choice while driving into work on Thursday that it was OK to just be me, to own my thoughts and inputs of the new day after lying awake the night before analyzing my utterances of the first day and how even though the words couldn’t be controlled as they came out of my mouth, I let the demon get into my head and question my ability to actually say the them; as if everyone around me was authorized to speak and I had no right. I was able to step through that before I even got onto the property, that feeling alone was amazing!
-having two of the women, whom I had never met before, come up to me during the conference that day and tell me how much they appreciated my input, my insight, they were the two most authentic in the group of 30 managers I feel
-and finally honoring myself with a demonstration of Tree, my favorite yoga pose because of its roots and its growth all in sequence. Getting up in front of everyone to do that was a huge step for me and it is ranked up there as one of my most amazing feelings ever. I even had a lady sitting at the same table encourage me as I jumped up without any insecure feeling. “You go ahead” she said to me. It was amazing!
Of course since I’ve spent time wrestling with the conscious demon that appeared the first night….the one that is in charge of reminding me that I’m supposed to be able to fit into that square hole, and to do so I have to keep my mouth shut.
The demon of conformity is the conscious demon that is fighting for presence… but here’s the thing, I am not a conformist. I’ll never be able to fit into that square hole and that is not because I won’t become a square but because I’m not willing to become a square.
I know it has been a part of my life from the beginning, the battle of conformity, because in the deep places in my mind I am clear that I have always been a round peg….I’ve also always been told I need to fit into a square hole. From childhood, when I first clearly remember the feeling that I was round. It was clear back in grade school and feels the exact same today in moments of battle. It goes that deep, that far back. Then high school, the divorce, the ending of the foundation of family, then the lack of connection which seemed so much more of a step towards being round.
Never mind that it was and is who I am. Back then the roots of the square were established, I knew I didn’t fit.
I tried though and it has never felt right, to my core it has never felt right.
I’ve always thought that knowing I am a round peg was a cop out…why can’t I do it like everyone thinks it should be done, why can’t I be a square. The moments would present themselves in the midst of my poor attempt at conformity when I’d have a flicker of presence with who I really am but would dismiss it as exactly that, a cop out, not allowing myself the pleasure of embracing the truth….moments of recognition that were always dismissed, if not by the them then by myself, and I remain there in those moments, I let them begin control of my dream. Slowly the truth has started to become clear. So sparingly at first, slow in the sense of always knowing it in my deepest thought and moving to being present in a small way in the choices I made, even bad choices and growing into finally becoming this last week and knowing what it is that is true, and finally receiving his words of wisdom … “It’s time to stop”…. and so I now feel this overwhelming sense of need to be a round peg, to own it, to embrace it, to live it and I also know that I am one step closer to winning the war against the conscious demon that is present right now , because I won this battle. I also know that there is room for both a round peg and a square whole because this is nothing but a dream.