I woke about 1 am this morning thinking about why my husband is mad at me, mad at himself (unconsciously) and mad at his life and what my real role in it has been.
I’ve affirmed to myself, in this new course of mine, that I too had a role in the ending of our marriage and thought that just that acknowledgement was enough to allow the forgiveness I needed of him and of myself for the years of pain we caused eat other. Then last night at 1 am I had to face the reality that I hadn’t really put much energy into the reason behind my my role, I simply just thought that by recognizing it takes two I was free of the guilt of cause and effect that took place on both sides of the relationship. Typing now I can put a word to that 1 am thought, I have yet to atone for the cause and effect I myself created.
Then as I thought deeper into what it was that I have to atone for, the pattern emerged. The pattern of survival, manipulation and lies that has been my life since I was so very young. At a very early age, though I cannot put my finger on the exact moment, survival became my primary instinct. I believe even before the divorce of my parents and the separation from my sisters something inside of me began to recognize that either at that time or in the near future I would be presented with the basic instinct that has kept human beings on this earth for so long, and just like everything else in this world, evolution too has fallen pray to the bad as well as the good and my instinct of survival brought me to manipulation and lies as my primary tools.
I remembered at 1 am as I went deeper into my thoughts my first time manipulating. I do not remember my parents at all from when I was young, or for that matter even as a teenager or older, but I do remember my first time manipulating them and I remember the feeling of needing to. I was young, younger than 10 because that is when the divorce happened, and I had stomach aches at varying degrees. My mother( I believe) took me to the doctors all over to try and get an answer to the problem. I remember very clearly learning to manipulate the degree to which I was suffering, I remember very clearly even making up the pain in hopes of some type of reaction. I say this because I don’t remember it being particular to any feeling that could have been brought up within me, I just know that I did it, intentionally, and I was clear as to what I was doing.
And so, deeper even yet, into my thoughts at 1 am, I began seeing the line drawing the pattern that evolved into my unconscious, yet conscious, first life and my survival.
I remember attempting to have friendships based on these tools. I remember using those friendships as part of my tool box with my parents. I remember using words as part of those tools as well, with my parents especially. I remember digging deeper into the tool box as a teenager and pulling out the big guns, blatant, outright lies, which only destroyed me in the end. I remember after being kicked out of my fathers house after ending my high school career, having no where to go (I had already spent nights on the street and had lost all my friends), going to my boyfriends house and pretending to get deathly ill so my father would be called and have to come and get me, I cried such awful fake tears as he carried me out of that house that night because my boyfriend wouldn’t let me stay there and I had no where else to go. I remember making the conscious decision to get pregnant with my daughter at 18, having nothing and feeling nothing I wanted to be sure that I kept the man I thought was my forever and so I stopped taking the pill and “surprisedly” got pregnant. The manipulation and lies went on and on, the whole time knowing I was conscious of the choices but unaware that I was unconscious of life.
There are many other memories but more so just a knowing that I lived surviving for so very long, and I did what I had to, I manipulated and I lied, to survive.
My atonement will probably need more detail to become true, at least I think it will, but for now I will leave that for another time and sit with my feelings a little longer so I can see it all as clearly as possible as I dig deeper into the memories of my unconscious life.