I’ve spent the last 3 days deep in the memories that I reconnected with about my survival.
The first day after letting myself be present in the memories of my unconscious life was so overwhelming. I was there, in those moments thinking of all those I personally had a role in effecting their lives. It was so difficult. I beat myself up and continued to do so right through 4 am this morning. I drank for two days and I got deeper and deeper into my past, remembering more and more how I survived and how truly painful it was.
At first I went back to it defining me, but in a different way than in the past. I was really in it, I was reliving those moments, they can become so real again when you let yourself remember. There were so many things I thought about but I tried at least to keep the pain isolated to only my survival, not any of the other factors that made up my unconscious life, only my role. It began to define me.
Then at 4 am I woke to a new memory, the one I will never be able to tell, and I heard his voice. He said it’s time to stop, its will kill you. It’s time to try and live what you have kept on the periphery of your conscious life, it’s time to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve let it creep in a little at a time, very little. I’ve thought that because I live to forgive others I’m doing Gods will, and I do live to turn the other cheek, but I’ve never given myself that grace. The most important grace that can be given. The grace that allows us to really move forward with peace and grace.
I’m here now, present in his voice at 4 am, the challenge begins, I am grateful though for that voice 4 am and I am conscious of it’s importance.