In silence I sit and realize that half of my breath is absent.
The air enters my throat but doesn’t seem to completely fill my lungs as it once did. Something is missing.
As my thoughts attempt to follow the same path traveled for so many years the absence of full breath redirects their progress and brings them to the developing brick path that is being newly paved over a more solid foundation, I cannot go there anymore, all detours have been closed and the old path has worn away.
There’s a numbness to this pain. So many years, waste is a word that has begun to enter my mind as I look to where the new path might possibly lead and yet even that word is numb as it enters my thoughts.
It is real this time, it has a momentum that is pressing my sanity and my growth. And so I sit in the silence and know that this absence of breath is real, it is not numbing, it is empty and lonely and silent and curious all wrapped up together. It is real.
There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.
Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.
My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.
But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.
You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.
I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.
I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…
The world of Ego…my Ego.
And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.
The question is so loud in my mind.
Who am I?
The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.
Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.
I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.
I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be someone who is recognized.
I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.
I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to make a difference in my world.
I want to be open and free.
I want to feel love.
I want someone to want to know about me.
Who am I?
I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.
Who do I want to be?