I can feel you’ve been with someone else.
We have been too connected not to know.
The energy of my world has shifted.
You’re presence thought brings peace and happiness. Your energy is that strong.
You felt that feeling of different and it surprised you.
You were present with her and I existed no where. Your breath was full and deep. You were you and she made you feel that way.
Nothing present from the past that changed it in anyway.
Open and passionate you took her in…and it amazed you…to feel nothing but that moment…no insanity…no pain…no pleasure…nothing that was a part of yesterday
Only that moment and being you.
Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.
This is the letter.
I have wanted for so long to see you love me,
to hear you love me,
to feel you love me.
My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.
You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.
I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.
This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.
I wonder if it will always live in me
and I wonder why it ever has.
We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.
It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…
there really is nothing to show.
The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.
There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.
Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.
My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.
But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.
You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.
I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.
I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…
The world of Ego…my Ego.
And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.
The question is so loud in my mind.
Who am I?
The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.
Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.
I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.
I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be someone who is recognized.
I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.
I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to make a difference in my world.
I want to be open and free.
I want to feel love.
I want someone to want to know about me.
Who am I?
I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.
Who do I want to be?
I held on tight.
I offered my heart every second I was was present.
Trying in this moment to remember the feelings I had when I was with you is difficult. I feel the moments in time slipping away.
There are things I know though, the pain has been embedded in my heart and the wall has been built, but you’re still there, a part of the section of my life that is filed under
” Love Attempted to Give”
This is where the hard work begins, because even as that wall gets taller in my heart, my soul knows what was true then and now and so because of this I can recognize what is and always has been true and when I look to the other side of that wall.
I’ve been listening to Chris Cornell all day after loosing him to the uninterpreted, painful, awful disease of disconnection we call mental illness/addiction.
For me, he and his bands Soundgarden and Audioslave enter the classification of heart and mind moving music with people like Janice, Stevie, David, Amy and so many more that make people forget who they are and what your world presently is.
They envelop the nothingness and peace that we all deserve in those present moments that make everything real.
What does this look like in my life.
It is the theme of what my world has been. It is how I only know to live.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t.
Never anyone present enough to really care.
I see the world outside of me and I don’t really know if its real.
Being alone for a lifetime creates a world within itself, for as time eclipses the moment and your alone in that moment there is nothing outside of you so there is no reality out there, no world.
I’ve known this since I was very young. I can still feel it within my memories, how my soul began to prepare me as a child for this world within my mind, for that feeling of floating thru nothingness, no one attached to my being and as I’ve grown older I’ve had to find my sanity in not being attached to theirs. Alone.