I’ve been listening to Chris Cornell all day after loosing him to the uninterpreted, painful, awful disease of disconnection we call mental illness/addiction.
For me, he and his bands Soundgarden and Audioslave enter the classification of heart and mind moving music, with people like Janice, Stevie, David, Amy and so many more that make people forget who they are and what our world presently is.
They envelop the nothingness and peace that we all deserve in those present moments that make everything real.
What does this look like in my life.
It is the theme of what my world has been. It is how I only know to live.
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t.
Always suspecting if anyone is present enough to really care.
I see the world outside of me and I don’t really know if its real.
Being alone for a lifetime creates a world within itself, for as time eclipses the moment, and your alone in that moment, there is nothing outside of you…so there is no reality out there, no world according to the ego.
I’ve known this since I was very young. I can still feel it within my memories, how my soul began to prepare me as a child for this world within my mind, for that feeling of floating thru nothingness, no one attached to my being and as I’ve grown older I’ve had to find my sanity in not being attached to theirs. Alone.
The silence stirs the mind to fill the void of nothing that challenges the sense of sound.
I’ve grown so accustomed to it.
Hearing only the buzzing in my mind amidst the subtle hum of electricity running through the fan as the blades create a gentle whoosh through the stillness that embraces the silence. The occasional crash of ice falling from the machine in the freezer and every once in a while, the faint groan of a jet flying overhead leaving behind a curious stillness on its journey.
Not even the sound of traffic in the distance or a long-traveled train on occasion, nothing, nothing filling the void, nothing but the hum in my mind and the voices in my head conversing about my world and guiding it into questionable sanity, and the silence where it hides.
When I think outside the window into the darkness of the night the darkness space appears in my mind. A darkness of quantum proportions as if the silence begins to tumble out of control into the deepest holes in the stratosphere, ending nowhere. Carrying with it all the emptiness that exists in the moment that it surrounds.
The silence remains forever.
I have spent 24 years trying to be something that I’m not.
My inability to be who I truly am around him, my authentic self, has led me to communicating in a very untruthful manner. I mean untruthful as my previous truth. The truth that I lived for the first life The truth of insufficiency. The truth of anger and manipulation. The truth of fog that my mind remains in still, but less often.
Not being able to be my authentic self with him created such a conflict within me. The only real part of it was that I could not be authentic with anyone else, but as I have grown into who I am I have been able to become true to most all things except in him. And so comes the pain still and the destructive behaviors and the silence still remains…and yet I miss the distorted life I was living.
What is it that I miss? From an authentic me I know that there is nothing. The relationship brought me absolutely nothing but pain and question and anger and sadness but from my untruth, or my first life, I miss the care I gave to him, the sex, the quest for his approval and the hope that someday he would love me as he does everyone else. We were toxic.
I brought out the worst in him and he in me and while we tried over this last 5 months to find a place of peace with each other it never was to be found. His peace is without me, it always has been, there with his friends being the new person he has become without our toxicity in his life…and my peace has been with God and on my journey working to let go of all of the symbols from my first life and remain in the forever changing world I am in.
Letting go for me has been much more difficult but I will always believe that that is because I have been invested in love, as I am with all things, and he was never invested in love because he never really loved me. That is why it was never said. It was him being true to himself and his knowledge of himself and who he truly is. This is not anyone’s fault. Especially not mine. It is just him being authentic in his own right and I have not been. There has lain the problem.
This was written in a moment of such pain but is one of the truest things I have ever put out for myself.
It’s the especially not mine part that I struggle with the most
I’ve spent a lot of time in mind with you both. From the early times when I used to go to the place of believing that if I was always there for you, at least telling you that, that I would make up for the time that destroyed what was supposed to be a family, our family. Through all of the separation and pain that was brought on us by the people who were our parents, through all of the mental health calamities and all of the co dependency through the death of our mother and through the continuation of life after that with all of it’s drama and pain. You see, as with the other aspects of our family I see all of the moments in time in our past as moments of pain. In the insanity, some way or another, it always came back to pain, someones or everyone’s. I look back and there isn’t a moment that I can remember even with times of smiles and laughter that isn’t linked back to pain for one or all of the people in our family.
It all begins at that moment in the court room. That was my second birth, and yours, I believe. A whole new life began then. and while for many years I believed that that moment was a mistake, a terrible horrible mistake made by evil forces at work, I lived with the guilt of my decision, the decision of a 13 year old girl who had lived nothing but insanity all of her life, I was made to believe that it was my fault, my choice caused all the suffering that would then take place for all of the years to follow; up until that moment in the driveway. The moment when I first clearly heard Gods voice in my head telling me “Alaina this was my plan all along, I put you in your mothers life when I knew you could give each other what you were able too in the right way. You would never have survived being together at any other time in your lives” and it all lifted away. All of the pain and the past and the guilt I now had my answer and my place to go when I faltered or questioned the truth. God sent me his message at a time when I needed it the most and could hear it the best.
So where does that leave the “sister” relationship. Well this is the thing there is no relationship. The dysfunction and pain and refusal to see or deal with the reality of our lives. The refusal to be genuine and present with each other speaks bounds to the absence of anything real or true between us. I know for myself I have tried. I have attempted presence with each of you only to be hurt over and over again with words or non action. The narcissism that remains within you both is so overwhelming for me I choose not to let it be in my life anymore. My own co dependency on you all financially makes me sick with myself and what makes me even sicker is that it has always been as though that dependency was always in someway “payment” it seemed for me being who I was in the relationship. While it does make me sick with myself that does not mean that I will hold on to that sickness. That is done as yesterday is done and I don’t have to be that person anymore. I have spent to much mind space trying to define what it is that our ? really means and to no avail because it really doesn’t mean anything. There never was a family. I believe that any more energy placed here will only be a detriment to myself. It shouldn’t be so hard, LOVE shouldn’t be this much work and pain.
Yesterday my daughter read me a post that my eldest posted on Facebook in response to the Donald Trump fiasco that we are living through currently.
Today I got to read the post myself and I have to say that my emotions as a parent surfaced at a level I only ever have experienced when she actually went through her trial.
The conversation was this:
A little over a month ago I was assaulted. The man who did it was someone known to me that I had heard talking about women much the way Donald Trump did on that tape. At a certain point, the man who assaulted me believed that I was in a position where I could do nothing to change my situation. He believed that he had rights to my body even though I never gave those rights to him. While he was wrong, and I did alter those circumstances, the change the assault affected in me will probably never go away. There was a time where I might have accepted Donald Trumps statements as “locker room talk”, but I know now that the line between the man who “talks” and the man who takes action on those words is practically non-existent. Donald Trump’s candidacy has normalized sects of our culture that once were hidden. He’s given racists, misogynists, and any other number of actual deplorable a standard behind which to flock. We CANNOT allow him to do the same for the predators among us. I implore you all, don’t waste your vote. This election is not a joke. Please share this in the hopes that we might reach one Trump supporter that needs some clarity.
This was my daughters post
So I’ve been thinking about what to say about my daughters post since reading it myself this morning. First I want to say that the amazing strength and honesty of J, and of all my children, never ceases to amaze me. This itself is enough to support her but even more motivating for me is her eloquence in communicating such an ultra valid point in the craziness that has become the road to our next presidency.
Everything has a reason it is what it is. Because we are human it’s inevitable, we as imperfect beings create the world we live in and that is my point.As women we’ve had to conform to survive and we have. But at some point we have to be able to set boundaries and have them accepted…unconditionally..and from there more peace and respect will flow. Ask any female bartender what the reality of their world is.
Donald Trump didn’t even choose to say “grab her ass”. No instead he said “grab her pussy”. I challenge any man reading this to have someone say”ya man I want to grab her pussy” about your sister, mother, wife or friend and not get up and punch them in the face. Remember who he was referring to could be anyone of those.
My daughters post was to ask that people think about what it is that we are putting out there into the world. Not about who your voting for.
I love you. My b… � and you amaze me at every turn.
This was my response.
I Love you Boob.. So very much..
Having my Subaru back has given me the one simple gift I missed so very much….my audio version of The Fifth Agreement.
It has been my Mantra. That simplifies it to a leave of understanding for those reading this blog, not to simplify the reader but to make it understandable, as it is indescribable for myself, how it makes me feel.
My idea was this… That in trying to follow the first agreement of Be Impeccable With Your Word, I would try to end my day speaking to the things that did not follow in that goal, today.
Impeccable thoughts/words about others…about myself…about anything other than my being true to coming away from the dream…my dream.
I hope that you too will post your conscious of the day, not for any other reason than to see it down on paper.
Today I ….convinced myself I wanted to drink instead of honouring my body for another day.
Today I…. considered not being good enough.
Today I….told myself it was OK not to try.
I pray that I do not hold onto these dreams, That I let them go and try to move away from them. I Love you Christ. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.