A Letter To My Children

Judgement. I’m not really sure where you learned this and I’m really not sure when it was that our world shifted and somehow you all landed in a place believing it was something that you were entitled to in our relationship. Maybe because of the dysfunction of my family. The role your Aunts and Grandparents took in your lives, often times presumptive roles that were exacerbated by my lack of self worth or maybe it was the influence and witnessing of your father and how he treated me, again exacerbated by my own lack of self worth. Maybe it was all of the above. Whatever it was that brought you to this place I became awakened to my real feelings about it around 2 am this past Thursday morning and I can say that I will no longer sit back and and be the victim of this choice that you all make.

I want you to know that to assume to know or understand my life and who I am at this point in your own lives,or honestly even ever,  is an impossible task. For any of you at the ages of 31, 22 or 19 there could be no possible way for you to have any idea of who I was or what my life had been at the same ages as you right now and to assume that you can make any type of assessment of my life from that age up until the age I am now is impossible, as you yourselves have not lived that long to know what those years are even like in a lifetime.

At 31 years old I had 3 children; 12, 4 and 1. By that time I had lived in 4 different states (two multiple times) and 2 different countries, I was on my second marriage to a man who informed me after two weeks of marriage that he had made a mistake and proceeded to live that way for the many years of our union. I had been a single mother to you, J, by that point for approximately 9 of those 12 years, with no help at all from your father. I did have the blessing, as did you, of help from your grandmother and grandfather at varying degrees and at different points of your life up to that point. That would continue throughout the next 10+ years until your mid 20s, again a blessing for both you and I. But among the times of help from your grandparents I was alone, trying to do it with you, alone. I did the best I could with the tools I had and if there are things about yourself that you wish to choose to judge me about than I suppose that would be appropriate, I would prefer a conversation, to apologize and to ask for7\ forgiveness, but it is the part of my journey that is your,s so how you deal with it is your choice.

By the time you came into the world I had been the product of a terribly negative divorce that began at age 8, separated from my sisters and my mother by the age of 12 and exposed to a multitude of women in my fathers life while at the same time being “raised” by the woman who remained in the dysfunctional girlfriend role to my father and who exposed me to all of their insanity. I had to search for role models throughout this time growing up, attaching myself to people and families that I felt were interested in giving me the love and acceptance I needed so desperately. This also translated into my male relationships and at times translated into obscure abuse.

This is just a summary of experiences that had taken place up until I was your exact age, a very brief summary that is in no way an attempt at an explanation or an excuse, and does not even begin to touch on the world that evolved from 31 until now, again a time you cannot even begin to relate to as you haven’t been there and I hope never will be.

While I am not trying to write your own personal story for you I do know that, being your mother and the person walking next to you for most of your time on this earth, your life has not unfolded in any way the same as what I have just shared with you so I’m sure you can understand what it is that I am saying when I say judgement of me and my life can in no way be possible.

R, by the age of 22 I had one child, had lived in 3 states, two multiple times, been married once and had been though all of summarized  years above that described my youth. My world was in so many ways different than anything you have ever lived. There have been moments in time, in our relationship, that I do not even hesitate to think you are in judgement of because of the things that unfolded, that you were exposed to, and for those things I will always be sorry from the deepest places in my heart and soul. I know though that for you, things still are very different than where I was at the same time and I know that judgement is never OK when coming from a place that does not reflect in anyway our own experiences.

For all of you. What you have experienced being next to me in this journey of family has been in and of its own self…insanity. I hope an insanity that you never have to experience yourselves from the perspective of mother, wife, daughter, sister or human being. The fact that you have a perspective on this part at all is upsetting to me but you were my children, growing up in my world, and for that you have every right to feelings about your personal experiences and where they have brought you but unfortunately you had no choice but to be along for the ride I will say that reaching this point in my life, with more than half of my life over, and looking back knowing that happiness has been so fleeting and joy so rarely felt; knowing how hard I fought for love and family and foundation for myself while at the same time working to create all of it for you all,  with no real tools to speak of and being emotionally alone throughout every breath up until now, is very bitter sweet. For I now have to go forward still fighting, but in a different way, to hopefully finally create that love and family and foundation for myself alone, in hopes that there will come a time when I actually get to feel it and know it is there before I go on to be with my God. I know that I have created for you all all of these things and as long as you are willing to open your hearts to them; love, family and foundation are without a doubt instilled in you and were put there by me, a woman who has survived her own life to the end of being able to start again and a mother who has given each of you the gift of independence, love and security and most of all non judgement.

Something I Wrote A While Ago

 

I have spent 24 years trying to be something that I’m not.

My inability to be who I truly am around him, my authentic self, has led me to communicating in a very untruthful manner. I mean untruthful as my previous truth. The truth that I lived for the first life   The truth of insufficiency. The truth of anger and manipulation. The truth of fog that my mind remains in still, but less often.

Not being able to be my authentic self with him created such a conflict within me. The only real part of it was that I could not be authentic with anyone else, but as I have grown into who I am I have been able to become true to most all things except in him. And so comes the pain still and the destructive behaviors and the silence still remains…and yet I miss the distorted life I was living.

What is it that I miss? From an authentic me I know that there is nothing. The relationship brought me absolutely nothing but pain and question and anger and sadness but from my untruth, or my first life, I miss the care I gave to him, the sex, the quest for his approval and the hope that someday he would love me as he  does everyone else. We were toxic.

I brought out the worst in him and he in me and while we tried over this last 5 months to find a place of peace with each other it never was to be found. His peace is without me, it always has been, there with his friends being the new person he has become without our toxicity in his life…and my peace has been with God and on my journey working to let go of all of the symbols from my first life and remain in the forever changing world I am in.

Letting go for me has been much more difficult but I will always believe that that is because I have been invested in love, as I am with all things, and he was never invested in love because he never really loved me. That is why it was never said. It was him being true to himself and his knowledge of himself and who he truly is. This is not anyone’s fault. Especially not mine. It is just him being authentic in his own right and I have not been. There has lain the problem.

This was written in a moment of such pain but is one of the truest things I have ever put out for myself.

It’s the especially not mine part that I struggle with the most

A Letter to My Sisters

Dear Sisters,

I’ve spent a lot of time in mind with you both. From the early times when I used to go to the place of believing that if I was always there for you, at least telling you that, that I would make up for the time that destroyed what was supposed to be a family, our family. Through all of the separation and pain that was brought on us by the people who were our parents, through all of the mental health calamities and all of the co dependency through the death of our mother and through the continuation of life after that with all of it’s drama and pain. You see, as with the other aspects of our family I see all of the moments in time in our past as moments of pain. In the insanity, some way or another, it always came back to pain, someones or everyone’s. I look back and there isn’t a moment that I can remember even with times of smiles and laughter that isn’t linked back to pain for one or all of the people in our family.

It all begins at that moment in the court room. That was my second birth, and yours, I believe. A whole new life began then. and while for many years I believed that that moment was a mistake, a terrible horrible mistake made by evil forces at work,  I lived with the guilt of my decision, the decision of a 13 year old girl who had lived nothing but insanity all of her life, I was made to believe that it was my fault, my choice caused all the suffering that would then take place for all of the years to follow; up until that moment in the driveway. The moment when I first clearly heard Gods voice in my head telling me “Alaina this was my plan all along, I put you in your mothers life when I knew you could give each other what you were able too in the right way. You would never have survived being together at any other time in your lives” and it all lifted away. All of the pain and the past and the guilt I now had my answer and my place to go when I faltered or questioned the truth. God sent me his message at a time when I needed it the most and could hear it the best.

So where does that leave the “sister” relationship. Well this is the thing there is no relationship. The dysfunction and pain and refusal to see or deal with the reality of our lives. The refusal to be genuine and present with each other speaks bounds to the absence of anything real or true between us. I know for myself I have tried. I have attempted presence with each of you only to be hurt over and over again with words or non action. The narcissism that remains within you both is so overwhelming for me I choose not to let it be in my life anymore. My own co dependency on you all financially makes me sick with myself and what makes me even sicker is that it has always been as though that dependency was always in someway “payment” it seemed for me being who I was in the relationship. While it does make me sick with myself that does not mean that I will hold on to that sickness. That is done as yesterday is done and I don’t have to be that person anymore. I have spent to much mind space trying to define what it is that our ? really means and to no avail because it really doesn’t mean anything.  There never was a family. I believe that any more energy placed here will only be a detriment to myself. It shouldn’t be so hard, LOVE shouldn’t be this much work and pain.

Today

Yesterday my daughter read me a post that my eldest posted on Facebook in response to the Donald Trump fiasco that we are living through currently.

Today I got to read the post myself and I have to say that my emotions as a parent surfaced at a level I only ever have experienced when she actually went through her trial.

The conversation was this:

A little over a month ago I was assaulted. The man who did it was someone known to me that I had heard talking about women much the way Donald Trump did on that tape. At a certain point, the man who assaulted me believed that I was in a position where I could do nothing to change my situation. He believed that he had rights to my body even though I never gave those rights to him. While he was wrong, and I did alter those circumstances, the change the assault affected in me will probably never go away. There was a time where I might have accepted Donald Trumps statements as “locker room talk”, but I know now that the line between the man who “talks” and the man who takes action on those words is practically non-existent. Donald Trump’s candidacy has normalized sects of our culture that once were hidden. He’s given racists, misogynists, and any other number of actual deplorable a standard behind which to flock. We CANNOT allow him to do the same for the predators among us. I implore you all, don’t waste your vote. This election is not a joke. Please share this in the hopes that we might reach one Trump supporter that needs some clarity.

This was my daughters post

So I’ve been thinking about what to say about my daughters post since reading it myself this morning. First I want to say that the amazing strength and honesty of J, and of all my children, never ceases to amaze me. This itself is enough to support her but even more motivating for me is her eloquence in communicating such an ultra valid point in the craziness that has become the road to our next presidency.

Everything has a reason it is what it is. Because we are human it’s inevitable, we as imperfect beings create the world we live in and that is my point.As women we’ve had to conform to survive and we have. But at some point we have to be able to set boundaries and have them accepted…unconditionally..and from there more peace and respect will flow. Ask any female bartender what the reality of their world is.

Donald Trump didn’t even choose to say “grab her ass”. No instead he said “grab her pussy”. I challenge any man reading this to have someone say”ya man I want to grab her pussy” about your sister, mother, wife or friend and not get up and punch them in the face. Remember who he was referring to could be anyone of those.
My daughters post was to ask that people think about what it is that we are putting out there into the world. Not about who your voting for.
I love you. My b… � and you amaze me at every turn.

This was my response.

 

I Love you Boob..  So very much..

Honoring The Four Agreements

Having my Subaru back has given me the one simple gift I missed so very much….my audio version of The Fifth Agreement.

It has been my Mantra. That simplifies it to a leave of understanding for those reading this blog, not to simplify the reader but to make it understandable, as it is indescribable for myself, how it makes me feel.

My idea was this… That in trying to follow the first agreement of Be Impeccable With Your Word, I would try to end my day speaking to the things that did not follow in that goal, today.

Impeccable thoughts/words about others…about myself…about anything other than my being true to coming away from the dream…my dream.

I hope that you too will post your conscious of the day, not for any other reason than to see it down on paper.

Today I ….convinced myself I wanted to drink instead of honouring my body for another day.

Today I…. considered not being good enough.

Today I….told myself it was OK not to try.

I pray that I do not hold onto these dreams, That I let them go and try to move away from them. I Love you Christ. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

 

Accountability

So here’s the thing. Accountability. Do we get to be in a place of forgiveness and forget because of our need to be spiritual? I don’t understand right now what is the middle ground. When is it that we say, as human beings, I believe in what I am supposed to be, in Gods eyes, but I know that this human life leaves me with people and circumstances that I have to presently deal with. When is it that I am able to be OK with truly having feelings about something and when I’m not not the judge and jury.

We choose to make the choices we do as human beings and at some point we have to be accountable for those choices when is it OK to to acknowledge that those choices are what we have to live with. When is it OK to say “no this isn’t right any longer and I’m not going to sit back and say it is”.

Accountability. Something I feel has been spoon fed to myself but has never been seen anyone around me to really wrap their head around.

How did you Feel?

I wonder in this moment if this is how you felt.

As I sit here lost and alone it came across my thoughts, is this the same pain you felt.

Is it why on that day when hospice came to the house you accepted your path with such open arms? That day I saw a peace and a smile of happiness for yourself come over you for the first time, you saw an end to your suffering, an end to all of the pain you held so close within your soul.

It was always a mystery to me. They say you don’t really understand until you are there yourself.

I just found the pictures you left again, from when you were young, up until the time you left. I’ve looked at them before but never really saw them. You smiled then with such happiness, then when we were young. Then the shift becomes more apparent, you were so sad, you can see it in your eyes in the pictures, in the later pictures after you came here to this new world that you said you wanted so much. The same memory I have of you through those later days, until that one day, the day hospice came and you saw the end.

Why?  Such a subjective question. It set the tone for all 3 of us.

Did you ever realize what you were doing to us? How you were feeling, the energy you put into all of us? Is that what I’m doing? I wish I new how you felt.

Maybe if you had shared it, in a way that didn’t bring the guilt and pain that your expressions always brought, maybe then it wouldn’t be present now, maybe I would have understood and not been in this place now. Feeling like it’s possible, that this was how you felt, how you lived your life on this earth, ending up somewhere that was encompassed with all of that pain that I cannot even know, except for knowing my own.

I don’t know where you are because while you found relief in the final diagnosis it all remained in those last moments, all of the pain, the book at the hospice house said people die as they lived and certainly I think that was your case. We all then brought it forward with us. You died with all of it in that bed. You thought it would relinquish it all, to just leave here and to leave us because you were who you were, you thought it would all just go away, but it doesn’t work like that. You left it here with the 3 of us. You left it in that bed that night after we sat and watched you take that final breathe after such a struggle for so long.

None of it died with you. It manifested, it grew, it became who we are. It will do the same with him if time doesn’t provide the opportunity to change it. That will be the absolute end or maybe the very beginning. Both of you gone could possibly wipe that significant part of the slate clean. Then we will have no choice but to decide the direction we will take. To give you, and he, back the control that has taken the meaning of love and family and created  a world we have lived in, of pain, suffering and distortion, or will we try to find a way to begin what was the intention of the Lord so many years ago, the intention that you all took away.

I think this is how you felt, pain that is so often distorted. I would not be here right now if it wasn’t, mirroring what I learned.

I love you, I love him. I ….. me. Please take all this pain. Please don’t leave me to mirror how I think you might have felt. I’m scared. Please help me to see everything is going to be OK.

Hearing the Message of My Conscious Life

I’ve spent the last 3 days deep in the memories that I reconnected with about my survival.

The first day after letting myself be present in the memories of my unconscious life was so overwhelming. I was there, in those moments thinking of all those I personally had a role in effecting their lives. It was so difficult. I beat myself up and continued to do so right through 4 am this morning. I drank for two days and I got deeper and deeper into my past, remembering more and more how I survived and how truly painful it was.

At first I went back to it defining me, but in a different way than in the past. I was really in it, I was reliving those moments, they can become so real again when you let yourself remember. There were so many things I thought about but I tried at least to keep the pain isolated to only my survival, not any of the other factors that made up my unconscious life, only my role. It began to define me.

Then at 4 am I woke to a new memory, the one I will never be able to tell, and I heard his voice. He said it’s time to stop, its will kill you. It’s time to try and live what you have kept on the periphery of your conscious life, it’s time to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve let it creep in a little at a time, very little. I’ve thought that because I live to forgive others I’m doing Gods will, and I do live to turn the other cheek, but I’ve never given myself that grace. The most important grace that can be given. The grace that allows us to really move forward with peace and grace.

I’m here now, present in his voice at 4 am, the challenge begins, I am grateful though for that voice 4 am and I am conscious of it’s importance.

Survival =ed Manipulation and Lies

I woke about 1 am this morning thinking about why my husband is mad at me, mad at himself (unconsciously) and mad at his life and what my real role in it has been.

I’ve affirmed to myself, in this new course of mine, that I too had a role in the ending of our marriage and thought that just that acknowledgement was enough to allow the forgiveness I needed of him and of myself for the years of pain we caused eat other.  Then last night at 1 am I had to face the reality that I hadn’t really put much energy into the reason behind my my role, I simply just thought that by recognizing it takes two I was free of the guilt of cause and effect that took place on both sides of the relationship. Typing now I can put a word to that 1 am thought, I have yet to atone for the cause and effect I myself created.

Then as I thought deeper into what it was that I have to atone for, the pattern emerged. The pattern of survival, manipulation and lies that has been my life since I was so very young. At a very early age, though I cannot put my finger on the exact moment, survival became my primary instinct. I believe even before the divorce of my parents and the separation from my sisters something inside of me began to recognize that either at that time or in the near future I would be presented with the basic instinct that has kept human beings on this earth for so long, and just like everything else in this world, evolution too has fallen pray to the bad as well as the good and my instinct of survival brought me to manipulation and lies as my primary tools.

I remembered at 1 am as I went deeper into my thoughts my first time manipulating. I do not remember my parents at all from when I was young, or for that matter even as a teenager or older, but I do remember my first time manipulating them and I remember the feeling of needing to. I was young, younger than 10 because that is when the divorce happened, and I had stomach aches at varying degrees. My mother( I believe) took me to the doctors all over to try and get an answer to the problem. I remember very clearly learning to manipulate the degree to which I was suffering, I remember very clearly even making up the pain in hopes of some type of reaction. I say this because I don’t remember it being particular to any feeling that could have been brought up within me, I just know that I did it, intentionally, and I was clear as to what I was doing.

And so, deeper even yet, into my thoughts at 1 am, I began seeing the line drawing the pattern that evolved into my unconscious, yet conscious, first life and my survival.

I remember attempting to have friendships based on these tools. I remember using those friendships as part of my tool box with my parents. I remember using words as part of those tools as well, with my parents especially. I remember digging deeper into the tool box as a teenager and pulling out the big guns, blatant, outright lies, which only destroyed me in the end. I remember after being kicked out of my fathers house after ending my high school career, having no where to go (I had already spent nights on the street and had lost all my friends), going to my boyfriends house and pretending to get deathly ill so my father would be called and have to come and get me, I cried such awful fake tears as he carried me out of that house that night because my boyfriend wouldn’t let me stay there and I had no where else to go. I remember making the conscious decision to get pregnant with my daughter at 18, having nothing and feeling nothing I wanted to be sure that I kept the man I thought was my forever and so I stopped taking the pill and “surprisedly” got pregnant. The manipulation and lies went on and on, the whole time knowing I was conscious of the choices but unaware that I was unconscious of life.

There are many other memories but more so just a knowing that I lived surviving for so very long, and I did what I had to, I manipulated and I lied, to survive.

My atonement will probably need more detail to become true, at least I think it will, but for now I will leave that for another time and sit with my feelings a little longer so I can see it all as clearly as possible as I dig deeper into the memories of my unconscious life.

 

 

A Round Peg in a Square Hole.

I woke yesterday morning with Gods voice saying to me:

“You have been living as a round peg trying to fit into a square hole for entirely too long now. It’s time to stop”

I know it is Gods words communicating to me his message and observations about my life. I know because of all of the amazing moments in time that I have heard his voice and because usually it is when I first open my eyes in the morning.

An epiphany some would say, it rang so true in my head that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen the the analogy before. Then I recognized that he had been watching me closely over the week and knew it was time to present the message after what I had experienced…..

-being with my son while he was in so much pain I was able to remain true to what I knew to be true and I believe that brought him great comfort, even through his tears

-being at the leadership conference at work Wednesday and Thursday and finally consciously acknowledging my voice on the second day, allowing it to flow.

-making the absolute choice while driving into work on Thursday that it was OK to just be me, to own my thoughts and inputs of the new day after lying awake the night before analyzing my utterances of the first day and how even though the words couldn’t be controlled as they came out of my mouth, I let the demon get into my head and question my ability to actually say the them; as if everyone around me was authorized to speak and I had no right. I was able to step through that before I even got onto the property, that feeling alone was amazing!

-having two of the women, whom I had never met before, come up to me during the conference that day and tell me how much they appreciated my input, my insight, they were the two most authentic in the group of 30 managers I feel

-and finally honoring myself with a demonstration of Tree, my favorite yoga pose because of its roots and its growth all in sequence. Getting up in front of everyone to do that was a huge step for me and it is ranked up there as one of my most amazing feelings ever. I even had a lady sitting at the same table encourage me as I jumped up without any insecure feeling. “You go ahead” she said to me. It was amazing!

Of course since I’ve spent time wrestling with the conscious demon that appeared the first night….the one that is in charge of reminding me that I’m supposed to be able to fit into that square hole, and to do so I have to keep my mouth shut.

The demon of conformity is the conscious demon that is fighting for presence… but here’s the thing, I am not a conformist. I’ll never be able to fit into that square hole and that is not because I won’t become a square but because I’m not willing to become a square.

I know it has been a part of my life from the beginning, the battle of conformity, because in the deep places in my mind I am clear that I have always been a round peg….I’ve also always been told I need to fit into a square hole. From childhood, when I first clearly remember the feeling that I was round. It was clear back in grade school and feels the exact same today in moments of battle. It goes that deep, that far back. Then high school, the divorce, the ending of the foundation of family, then the lack of connection which seemed so much more of a step towards being round.

Never mind that it was and is who I am. Back then the roots of the square were established, I knew I didn’t fit.

I tried though and it has never felt right, to my core it has never felt right.

I’ve always thought that knowing I am a round peg was a cop out…why can’t I do it like everyone thinks it should be done, why can’t I be a square. The moments would present themselves in the midst of my poor attempt at conformity when I’d have a flicker of presence with who I really am but would dismiss it as exactly that, a cop out, not allowing myself the  pleasure of embracing the truth….moments of recognition that were always dismissed, if not by the them then by myself, and I remain there in those moments, I let them begin control of my dream.  Slowly the truth has started to become clear. So sparingly at first, slow in the sense of always knowing it in my deepest thought and moving to being present in a small way in the choices I made, even bad choices and growing into finally becoming this last week and knowing what it is that is true, and finally receiving his words of wisdom … “It’s time to stop”…. and so I now feel this overwhelming sense of need to be a round peg, to own it, to embrace it, to live it and I also know that I am one step closer to winning the war against the conscious demon that is present right now , because I won this battle. I also know that there is room for both a round peg and a square whole because this is nothing but a dream.