Alone

What does this look like in my life.

It is the theme of what my world has been. It is how I only know to live.

I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

Always suspecting if anyone is present enough to really care.

I see the world outside of me and I don’t really know if its real.

Being alone for a lifetime creates a world within itself, for as time eclipses the moment, and your alone in that moment, there is nothing outside of you…so there is no reality out there, no world according to the ego.

I’ve known this since I was very young. I can still feel it within my memories, how my soul began to prepare me as a child for this world within my mind, for that feeling of floating thru nothingness, no one attached to my being and as I’ve grown older I’ve had to find my sanity in not being attached to theirs. Alone.

 

 

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Silence

I’ve grown so accustomed to it.

Hearing only the buzzing in my mind and the subtle hum of  electricity running through the fan as the blades create a gentle woush through the stillness that embraces the silence. The occasional crash of ice falling from the machine in the freezer and every once in a while the faint groan of a jet flying overhead leaving behind a curious stillness on its journey.

The silence stirs the mind to fill the void of nothing that challenges the sense of sound.

Not even the sound of traffic in the distance or a long traveled train on occasion, nothing, nothing but the hum in my mind and the voices in my head conversing about my world and guiding it into questionable sanity.

When I think outside the window into the darkness of the night a void appears in my mind. A darkness of quantum proportions as if the silence begins to tumble out of control into the deepest holes in the stratosphere, ending no where. Carrying with it all of the nothingness that exists in the moment that it surrounds.

The silence remains forever.

 

A Letter To My Children

Judgement. I’m not really sure where you learned this and I’m really not sure when it was that our world shifted and somehow you all landed in a place believing it was something that you were entitled to in our relationship. Maybe because of the dysfunction of my family. The role your Aunts and Grandparents took in your lives, often times presumptive roles that were exacerbated by my lack of self worth or maybe it was the influence and witnessing of your father and how he treated me, again exacerbated by my own lack of self worth. Maybe it was all of the above. Whatever it was that brought you to this place I became awakened to my real feelings about it around 2 am this past Thursday morning and I can say that I will no longer sit back and and be the victim of this choice that you all make.

I want you to know that to assume to know or understand my life and who I am at this point in your own lives,or honestly even ever,  is an impossible task. For any of you at the ages of 31, 22 or 19 there could be no possible way for you to have any idea of who I was or what my life had been at the same ages as you right now and to assume that you can make any type of assessment of my life from that age up until the age I am now is impossible, as you yourselves have not lived that long to know what those years are even like in a lifetime.

At 31 years old I had 3 children; 12, 4 and 1. By that time I had lived in 4 different states (two multiple times) and 2 different countries, I was on my second marriage to a man who informed me after two weeks of marriage that he had made a mistake and proceeded to live that way for the many years of our union. I had been a single mother to you, J, by that point for approximately 9 of those 12 years, with no help at all from your father. I did have the blessing, as did you, of help from your grandmother and grandfather at varying degrees and at different points of your life up to that point. That would continue throughout the next 10+ years until your mid 20s, again a blessing for both you and I. But among the times of help from your grandparents I was alone, trying to do it with you, alone. I did the best I could with the tools I had and if there are things about yourself that you wish to choose to judge me about than I suppose that would be appropriate, I would prefer a conversation, to apologize and to ask for7\ forgiveness, but it is the part of my journey that is your,s so how you deal with it is your choice.

By the time you came into the world I had been the product of a terribly negative divorce that began at age 8, separated from my sisters and my mother by the age of 12 and exposed to a multitude of women in my fathers life while at the same time being “raised” by the woman who remained in the dysfunctional girlfriend role to my father and who exposed me to all of their insanity. I had to search for role models throughout this time growing up, attaching myself to people and families that I felt were interested in giving me the love and acceptance I needed so desperately. This also translated into my male relationships and at times translated into obscure abuse.

This is just a summary of experiences that had taken place up until I was your exact age, a very brief summary that is in no way an attempt at an explanation or an excuse, and does not even begin to touch on the world that evolved from 31 until now, again a time you cannot even begin to relate to as you haven’t been there and I hope never will be.

While I am not trying to write your own personal story for you I do know that, being your mother and the person walking next to you for most of your time on this earth, your life has not unfolded in any way the same as what I have just shared with you so I’m sure you can understand what it is that I am saying when I say judgement of me and my life can in no way be possible.

R, by the age of 22 I had one child, had lived in 3 states, two multiple times, been married once and had been though all of summarized  years above that described my youth. My world was in so many ways different than anything you have ever lived. There have been moments in time, in our relationship, that I do not even hesitate to think you are in judgement of because of the things that unfolded, that you were exposed to, and for those things I will always be sorry from the deepest places in my heart and soul. I know though that for you, things still are very different than where I was at the same time and I know that judgement is never OK when coming from a place that does not reflect in anyway our own experiences.

For all of you. What you have experienced being next to me in this journey of family has been in and of its own self…insanity. I hope an insanity that you never have to experience yourselves from the perspective of mother, wife, daughter, sister or human being. The fact that you have a perspective on this part at all is upsetting to me but you were my children, growing up in my world, and for that you have every right to feelings about your personal experiences and where they have brought you but unfortunately you had no choice but to be along for the ride I will say that reaching this point in my life, with more than half of my life over, and looking back knowing that happiness has been so fleeting and joy so rarely felt; knowing how hard I fought for love and family and foundation for myself while at the same time working to create all of it for you all,  with no real tools to speak of and being emotionally alone throughout every breath up until now, is very bitter sweet. For I now have to go forward still fighting, but in a different way, to hopefully finally create that love and family and foundation for myself alone, in hopes that there will come a time when I actually get to feel it and know it is there before I go on to be with my God. I know that I have created for you all all of these things and as long as you are willing to open your hearts to them; love, family and foundation are without a doubt instilled in you and were put there by me, a woman who has survived her own life to the end of being able to start again and a mother who has given each of you the gift of independence, love and security and most of all non judgement.

Something I Wrote A While Ago

 

I have spent 24 years trying to be something that I’m not.

My inability to be who I truly am around him, my authentic self, has led me to communicating in a very untruthful manner. I mean untruthful as my previous truth. The truth that I lived for the first life   The truth of insufficiency. The truth of anger and manipulation. The truth of fog that my mind remains in still, but less often.

Not being able to be my authentic self with him created such a conflict within me. The only real part of it was that I could not be authentic with anyone else, but as I have grown into who I am I have been able to become true to most all things except in him. And so comes the pain still and the destructive behaviors and the silence still remains…and yet I miss the distorted life I was living.

What is it that I miss? From an authentic me I know that there is nothing. The relationship brought me absolutely nothing but pain and question and anger and sadness but from my untruth, or my first life, I miss the care I gave to him, the sex, the quest for his approval and the hope that someday he would love me as he  does everyone else. We were toxic.

I brought out the worst in him and he in me and while we tried over this last 5 months to find a place of peace with each other it never was to be found. His peace is without me, it always has been, there with his friends being the new person he has become without our toxicity in his life…and my peace has been with God and on my journey working to let go of all of the symbols from my first life and remain in the forever changing world I am in.

Letting go for me has been much more difficult but I will always believe that that is because I have been invested in love, as I am with all things, and he was never invested in love because he never really loved me. That is why it was never said. It was him being true to himself and his knowledge of himself and who he truly is. This is not anyone’s fault. Especially not mine. It is just him being authentic in his own right and I have not been. There has lain the problem.

This was written in a moment of such pain but is one of the truest things I have ever put out for myself.

It’s the especially not mine part that I struggle with the most

A Letter to My Sisters

Dear Sisters,

I’ve spent a lot of time in mind with you both. From the early times when I used to go to the place of believing that if I was always there for you, at least telling you that, that I would make up for the time that destroyed what was supposed to be a family, our family. Through all of the separation and pain that was brought on us by the people who were our parents, through all of the mental health calamities and all of the co dependency through the death of our mother and through the continuation of life after that with all of it’s drama and pain. You see, as with the other aspects of our family I see all of the moments in time in our past as moments of pain. In the insanity, some way or another, it always came back to pain, someones or everyone’s. I look back and there isn’t a moment that I can remember even with times of smiles and laughter that isn’t linked back to pain for one or all of the people in our family.

It all begins at that moment in the court room. That was my second birth, and yours, I believe. A whole new life began then. and while for many years I believed that that moment was a mistake, a terrible horrible mistake made by evil forces at work,  I lived with the guilt of my decision, the decision of a 13 year old girl who had lived nothing but insanity all of her life, I was made to believe that it was my fault, my choice caused all the suffering that would then take place for all of the years to follow; up until that moment in the driveway. The moment when I first clearly heard Gods voice in my head telling me “Alaina this was my plan all along, I put you in your mothers life when I knew you could give each other what you were able too in the right way. You would never have survived being together at any other time in your lives” and it all lifted away. All of the pain and the past and the guilt I now had my answer and my place to go when I faltered or questioned the truth. God sent me his message at a time when I needed it the most and could hear it the best.

So where does that leave the “sister” relationship. Well this is the thing there is no relationship. The dysfunction and pain and refusal to see or deal with the reality of our lives. The refusal to be genuine and present with each other speaks bounds to the absence of anything real or true between us. I know for myself I have tried. I have attempted presence with each of you only to be hurt over and over again with words or non action. The narcissism that remains within you both is so overwhelming for me I choose not to let it be in my life anymore. My own co dependency on you all financially makes me sick with myself and what makes me even sicker is that it has always been as though that dependency was always in someway “payment” it seemed for me being who I was in the relationship. While it does make me sick with myself that does not mean that I will hold on to that sickness. That is done as yesterday is done and I don’t have to be that person anymore. I have spent to much mind space trying to define what it is that our ? really means and to no avail because it really doesn’t mean anything.  There never was a family. I believe that any more energy placed here will only be a detriment to myself. It shouldn’t be so hard, LOVE shouldn’t be this much work and pain.

Today

Yesterday my daughter read me a post that my eldest posted on Facebook in response to the Donald Trump fiasco that we are living through currently.

Today I got to read the post myself and I have to say that my emotions as a parent surfaced at a level I only ever have experienced when she actually went through her trial.

The conversation was this:

A little over a month ago I was assaulted. The man who did it was someone known to me that I had heard talking about women much the way Donald Trump did on that tape. At a certain point, the man who assaulted me believed that I was in a position where I could do nothing to change my situation. He believed that he had rights to my body even though I never gave those rights to him. While he was wrong, and I did alter those circumstances, the change the assault affected in me will probably never go away. There was a time where I might have accepted Donald Trumps statements as “locker room talk”, but I know now that the line between the man who “talks” and the man who takes action on those words is practically non-existent. Donald Trump’s candidacy has normalized sects of our culture that once were hidden. He’s given racists, misogynists, and any other number of actual deplorable a standard behind which to flock. We CANNOT allow him to do the same for the predators among us. I implore you all, don’t waste your vote. This election is not a joke. Please share this in the hopes that we might reach one Trump supporter that needs some clarity.

This was my daughters post

So I’ve been thinking about what to say about my daughters post since reading it myself this morning. First I want to say that the amazing strength and honesty of J, and of all my children, never ceases to amaze me. This itself is enough to support her but even more motivating for me is her eloquence in communicating such an ultra valid point in the craziness that has become the road to our next presidency.

Everything has a reason it is what it is. Because we are human it’s inevitable, we as imperfect beings create the world we live in and that is my point.As women we’ve had to conform to survive and we have. But at some point we have to be able to set boundaries and have them accepted…unconditionally..and from there more peace and respect will flow. Ask any female bartender what the reality of their world is.

Donald Trump didn’t even choose to say “grab her ass”. No instead he said “grab her pussy”. I challenge any man reading this to have someone say”ya man I want to grab her pussy” about your sister, mother, wife or friend and not get up and punch them in the face. Remember who he was referring to could be anyone of those.
My daughters post was to ask that people think about what it is that we are putting out there into the world. Not about who your voting for.
I love you. My b… � and you amaze me at every turn.

This was my response.

 

I Love you Boob..  So very much..

Honoring The Four Agreements

Having my Subaru back has given me the one simple gift I missed so very much….my audio version of The Fifth Agreement.

It has been my Mantra. That simplifies it to a leave of understanding for those reading this blog, not to simplify the reader but to make it understandable, as it is indescribable for myself, how it makes me feel.

My idea was this… That in trying to follow the first agreement of Be Impeccable With Your Word, I would try to end my day speaking to the things that did not follow in that goal, today.

Impeccable thoughts/words about others…about myself…about anything other than my being true to coming away from the dream…my dream.

I hope that you too will post your conscious of the day, not for any other reason than to see it down on paper.

Today I ….convinced myself I wanted to drink instead of honouring my body for another day.

Today I…. considered not being good enough.

Today I….told myself it was OK not to try.

I pray that I do not hold onto these dreams, That I let them go and try to move away from them. I Love you Christ. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.