Honoring The Four Agreements

Having my Subaru back has given me the one simple gift I missed so very much….my audio version of The Fifth Agreement.

It has been my Mantra. That simplifies it to a leave of understanding for those reading this blog, not to simplify the reader but to make it understandable, as it is indescribable for myself, how it makes me feel.

My idea was this… That in trying to follow the first agreement of Be Impeccable With Your Word, I would try to end my day speaking to the things that did not follow in that goal, today.

Impeccable thoughts/words about others…about myself…about anything other than my being true to coming away from the dream…my dream.

I hope that you too will post your conscious of the day, not for any other reason than to see it down on paper.

Today I ….convinced myself I wanted to drink instead of honouring my body for another day.

Today I…. considered not being good enough.

Today I….told myself it was OK not to try.

I pray that I do not hold onto these dreams, That I let them go and try to move away from them. I Love you Christ. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

 

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Accountability

So here’s the thing. Accountability. Do we get to be in a place of forgiveness and forget because of our need to be spiritual? I don’t understand right now what is the middle ground. When is it that we say, as human beings, I believe in what I am supposed to be, in Gods eyes, but I know that this human life leaves me with people and circumstances that I have to presently deal with. When is it that I am able to be OK with truly having feelings about something and when I’m not not the judge and jury.

We choose to make the choices we do as human beings and at some point we have to be accountable for those choices when is it OK to to acknowledge that those choices are what we have to live with. When is it OK to say “no this isn’t right any longer and I’m not going to sit back and say it is”.

Accountability. Something I feel has been spoon fed to myself but has never been seen anyone around me to really wrap their head around.

How did you Feel?

I wonder in this moment if this is how you felt.

As I sit here lost and alone it came across my thoughts, is this the same pain you felt.

Is it why on that day when hospice came to the house you accepted your path with such open arms? That day I saw a peace and a smile of happiness for yourself come over you for the first time, you saw an end to your suffering, an end to all of the pain you held so close within your soul.

It was always a mystery to me. They say you don’t really understand until you are there yourself.

I just found the pictures you left again, from when you were young, up until the time you left. I’ve looked at them before but never really saw them. You smiled then with such happiness, then when we were young. Then the shift becomes more apparent, you were so sad, you can see it in your eyes in the pictures, in the later pictures after you came here to this new world that you said you wanted so much. The same memory I have of you through those later days, until that one day, the day hospice came and you saw the end.

Why?  Such a subjective question. It set the tone for all 3 of us.

Did you ever realize what you were doing to us? How you were feeling, the energy you put into all of us? Is that what I’m doing? I wish I new how you felt.

Maybe if you had shared it, in a way that didn’t bring the guilt and pain that your expressions always brought, maybe then it wouldn’t be present now, maybe I would have understood and not been in this place now. Feeling like it’s possible, that this was how you felt, how you lived your life on this earth, ending up somewhere that was encompassed with all of that pain that I cannot even know, except for knowing my own.

I don’t know where you are because while you found relief in the final diagnosis it all remained in those last moments, all of the pain, the book at the hospice house said people die as they lived and certainly I think that was your case. We all then brought it forward with us. You died with all of it in that bed. You thought it would relinquish it all, to just leave here and to leave us because you were who you were, you thought it would all just go away, but it doesn’t work like that. You left it here with the 3 of us. You left it in that bed that night after we sat and watched you take that final breathe after such a struggle for so long.

None of it died with you. It manifested, it grew, it became who we are. It will do the same with him if time doesn’t provide the opportunity to change it. That will be the absolute end or maybe the very beginning. Both of you gone could possibly wipe that significant part of the slate clean. Then we will have no choice but to decide the direction we will take. To give you, and he, back the control that has taken the meaning of love and family and created  a world we have lived in, of pain, suffering and distortion, or will we try to find a way to begin what was the intention of the Lord so many years ago, the intention that you all took away.

I think this is how you felt, pain that is so often distorted. I would not be here right now if it wasn’t, mirroring what I learned.

I love you, I love him. I ….. me. Please take all this pain. Please don’t leave me to mirror how I think you might have felt. I’m scared. Please help me to see everything is going to be OK.

Hearing the Message of My Conscious Life

I’ve spent the last 3 days deep in the memories that I reconnected with about my survival.

The first day after letting myself be present in the memories of my unconscious life was so overwhelming. I was there, in those moments thinking of all those I personally had a role in effecting their lives. It was so difficult. I beat myself up and continued to do so right through 4 am this morning. I drank for two days and I got deeper and deeper into my past, remembering more and more how I survived and how truly painful it was.

At first I went back to it defining me, but in a different way than in the past. I was really in it, I was reliving those moments, they can become so real again when you let yourself remember. There were so many things I thought about but I tried at least to keep the pain isolated to only my survival, not any of the other factors that made up my unconscious life, only my role. It began to define me.

Then at 4 am I woke to a new memory, the one I will never be able to tell, and I heard his voice. He said it’s time to stop, its will kill you. It’s time to try and live what you have kept on the periphery of your conscious life, it’s time to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve let it creep in a little at a time, very little. I’ve thought that because I live to forgive others I’m doing Gods will, and I do live to turn the other cheek, but I’ve never given myself that grace. The most important grace that can be given. The grace that allows us to really move forward with peace and grace.

I’m here now, present in his voice at 4 am, the challenge begins, I am grateful though for that voice 4 am and I am conscious of it’s importance.

Survival =ed Manipulation and Lies

I woke about 1 am this morning thinking about why my husband is mad at me, mad at himself (unconsciously) and mad at his life and what my real role in it has been.

I’ve affirmed to myself, in this new course of mine, that I too had a role in the ending of our marriage and thought that just that acknowledgement was enough to allow the forgiveness I needed of him and of myself for the years of pain we caused eat other.  Then last night at 1 am I had to face the reality that I hadn’t really put much energy into the reason behind my my role, I simply just thought that by recognizing it takes two I was free of the guilt of cause and effect that took place on both sides of the relationship. Typing now I can put a word to that 1 am thought, I have yet to atone for the cause and effect I myself created.

Then as I thought deeper into what it was that I have to atone for, the pattern emerged. The pattern of survival, manipulation and lies that has been my life since I was so very young. At a very early age, though I cannot put my finger on the exact moment, survival became my primary instinct. I believe even before the divorce of my parents and the separation from my sisters something inside of me began to recognize that either at that time or in the near future I would be presented with the basic instinct that has kept human beings on this earth for so long, and just like everything else in this world, evolution too has fallen pray to the bad as well as the good and my instinct of survival brought me to manipulation and lies as my primary tools.

I remembered at 1 am as I went deeper into my thoughts my first time manipulating. I do not remember my parents at all from when I was young, or for that matter even as a teenager or older, but I do remember my first time manipulating them and I remember the feeling of needing to. I was young, younger than 10 because that is when the divorce happened, and I had stomach aches at varying degrees. My mother( I believe) took me to the doctors all over to try and get an answer to the problem. I remember very clearly learning to manipulate the degree to which I was suffering, I remember very clearly even making up the pain in hopes of some type of reaction. I say this because I don’t remember it being particular to any feeling that could have been brought up within me, I just know that I did it, intentionally, and I was clear as to what I was doing.

And so, deeper even yet, into my thoughts at 1 am, I began seeing the line drawing the pattern that evolved into my unconscious, yet conscious, first life and my survival.

I remember attempting to have friendships based on these tools. I remember using those friendships as part of my tool box with my parents. I remember using words as part of those tools as well, with my parents especially. I remember digging deeper into the tool box as a teenager and pulling out the big guns, blatant, outright lies, which only destroyed me in the end. I remember after being kicked out of my fathers house after ending my high school career, having no where to go (I had already spent nights on the street and had lost all my friends), going to my boyfriends house and pretending to get deathly ill so my father would be called and have to come and get me, I cried such awful fake tears as he carried me out of that house that night because my boyfriend wouldn’t let me stay there and I had no where else to go. I remember making the conscious decision to get pregnant with my daughter at 18, having nothing and feeling nothing I wanted to be sure that I kept the man I thought was my forever and so I stopped taking the pill and “surprisedly” got pregnant. The manipulation and lies went on and on, the whole time knowing I was conscious of the choices but unaware that I was unconscious of life.

There are many other memories but more so just a knowing that I lived surviving for so very long, and I did what I had to, I manipulated and I lied, to survive.

My atonement will probably need more detail to become true, at least I think it will, but for now I will leave that for another time and sit with my feelings a little longer so I can see it all as clearly as possible as I dig deeper into the memories of my unconscious life.

 

 

A Round Peg in a Square Hole.

I woke yesterday morning with Gods voice saying to me:

“You have been living as a round peg trying to fit into a square hole for entirely too long now. It’s time to stop”

I know it is Gods words communicating to me his message and observations about my life. I know because of all of the amazing moments in time that I have heard his voice and because usually it is when I first open my eyes in the morning.

An epiphany some would say, it rang so true in my head that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen the the analogy before. Then I recognized that he had been watching me closely over the week and knew it was time to present the message after what I had experienced…..

-being with my son while he was in so much pain I was able to remain true to what I knew to be true and I believe that brought him great comfort, even through his tears

-being at the leadership conference at work Wednesday and Thursday and finally consciously acknowledging my voice on the second day, allowing it to flow.

-making the absolute choice while driving into work on Thursday that it was OK to just be me, to own my thoughts and inputs of the new day after lying awake the night before analyzing my utterances of the first day and how even though the words couldn’t be controlled as they came out of my mouth, I let the demon get into my head and question my ability to actually say the them; as if everyone around me was authorized to speak and I had no right. I was able to step through that before I even got onto the property, that feeling alone was amazing!

-having two of the women, whom I had never met before, come up to me during the conference that day and tell me how much they appreciated my input, my insight, they were the two most authentic in the group of 30 managers I feel

-and finally honoring myself with a demonstration of Tree, my favorite yoga pose because of its roots and its growth all in sequence. Getting up in front of everyone to do that was a huge step for me and it is ranked up there as one of my most amazing feelings ever. I even had a lady sitting at the same table encourage me as I jumped up without any insecure feeling. “You go ahead” she said to me. It was amazing!

Of course since I’ve spent time wrestling with the conscious demon that appeared the first night….the one that is in charge of reminding me that I’m supposed to be able to fit into that square hole, and to do so I have to keep my mouth shut.

The demon of conformity is the conscious demon that is fighting for presence… but here’s the thing, I am not a conformist. I’ll never be able to fit into that square hole and that is not because I won’t become a square but because I’m not willing to become a square.

I know it has been a part of my life from the beginning, the battle of conformity, because in the deep places in my mind I am clear that I have always been a round peg….I’ve also always been told I need to fit into a square hole. From childhood, when I first clearly remember the feeling that I was round. It was clear back in grade school and feels the exact same today in moments of battle. It goes that deep, that far back. Then high school, the divorce, the ending of the foundation of family, then the lack of connection which seemed so much more of a step towards being round.

Never mind that it was and is who I am. Back then the roots of the square were established, I knew I didn’t fit.

I tried though and it has never felt right, to my core it has never felt right.

I’ve always thought that knowing I am a round peg was a cop out…why can’t I do it like everyone thinks it should be done, why can’t I be a square. The moments would present themselves in the midst of my poor attempt at conformity when I’d have a flicker of presence with who I really am but would dismiss it as exactly that, a cop out, not allowing myself the  pleasure of embracing the truth….moments of recognition that were always dismissed, if not by the them then by myself, and I remain there in those moments, I let them begin control of my dream.  Slowly the truth has started to become clear. So sparingly at first, slow in the sense of always knowing it in my deepest thought and moving to being present in a small way in the choices I made, even bad choices and growing into finally becoming this last week and knowing what it is that is true, and finally receiving his words of wisdom … “It’s time to stop”…. and so I now feel this overwhelming sense of need to be a round peg, to own it, to embrace it, to live it and I also know that I am one step closer to winning the war against the conscious demon that is present right now , because I won this battle. I also know that there is room for both a round peg and a square whole because this is nothing but a dream.

 

What am I doing.

I began this blog a year and a half ago with every intention of it being about how I was going to start all over. It never happened.

I’ve spent the majority of this time thinking about how I’m not living up to the commitment, that of beginning all over again, square one, the building of the person that I’ve been dying to get to know, because I don’t know her, and yet I’ve not been able to make one half of my brain wrap its head around what the other half is doing. The two fight constantly.

I guess I should explain.

Three years ago this month I tried to kill myself. When I was recently asked by an old friend, that I’m so blessed to have reunited with, if I had thought about anyone else when I was in that moment, I very clearly knew that the answer was no.

And there begins the root of this problem. Being the only one who exists in your insanity the answer should be clear.

Isolation.

It becomes the norm.

Is it fight or flight?

We all are exposed now a days with the thought process of happiness and positive sayings. It inundates us every day on social media. But I’m at the place where those thoughts have become of the utmost importance to me. Both in a good and a bad way.

There is the sane mind that helps me to recognize that they bring peace and happiness to those in that place and that is where I strive to be, then there are the thoughts that make you feel like you can never live up to those post, those sayings that are shared for the completely opposite reason, but because of you own personal voice you feel they are there to remove  any question of your failure as a human being.

And so who am I?

Which side of my brain will win?

Is it fight or flight?