The question is so loud in my mind.
Who am I?
The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.
Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.
I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.
I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be someone who is recognized.
I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.
I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to make a difference in my world.
I want to be open and free.
I want to feel love.
I want someone to want to know about me.
Who am I?
I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.
Who do I want to be?
Yesterday my daughter read me a post that my eldest posted on Facebook in response to the Donald Trump fiasco that we are living through currently.
Today I got to read the post myself and I have to say that my emotions as a parent surfaced at a level I only ever have experienced when she actually went through her trial.
The conversation was this:
A little over a month ago I was assaulted. The man who did it was someone known to me that I had heard talking about women much the way Donald Trump did on that tape. At a certain point, the man who assaulted me believed that I was in a position where I could do nothing to change my situation. He believed that he had rights to my body even though I never gave those rights to him. While he was wrong, and I did alter those circumstances, the change the assault affected in me will probably never go away. There was a time where I might have accepted Donald Trumps statements as “locker room talk”, but I know now that the line between the man who “talks” and the man who takes action on those words is practically non-existent. Donald Trump’s candidacy has normalized sects of our culture that once were hidden. He’s given racists, misogynists, and any other number of actual deplorable a standard behind which to flock. We CANNOT allow him to do the same for the predators among us. I implore you all, don’t waste your vote. This election is not a joke. Please share this in the hopes that we might reach one Trump supporter that needs some clarity.
This was my daughters post
So I’ve been thinking about what to say about my daughters post since reading it myself this morning. First I want to say that the amazing strength and honesty of J, and of all my children, never ceases to amaze me. This itself is enough to support her but even more motivating for me is her eloquence in communicating such an ultra valid point in the craziness that has become the road to our next presidency.
Everything has a reason it is what it is. Because we are human it’s inevitable, we as imperfect beings create the world we live in and that is my point.As women we’ve had to conform to survive and we have. But at some point we have to be able to set boundaries and have them accepted…unconditionally..and from there more peace and respect will flow. Ask any female bartender what the reality of their world is.
Donald Trump didn’t even choose to say “grab her ass”. No instead he said “grab her pussy”. I challenge any man reading this to have someone say”ya man I want to grab her pussy” about your sister, mother, wife or friend and not get up and punch them in the face. Remember who he was referring to could be anyone of those.
My daughters post was to ask that people think about what it is that we are putting out there into the world. Not about who your voting for.
I love you. My b… � and you amaze me at every turn.
This was my response.
I Love you Boob.. So very much..
So here’s the thing. Accountability. Do we get to be in a place of forgiveness and forget because of our need to be spiritual? I don’t understand right now what is the middle ground. When is it that we say, as human beings, I believe in what I am supposed to be, in Gods eyes, but I know that this human life leaves me with people and circumstances that I have to presently deal with. When is it that I am able to be OK with truly having feelings about something and when I’m not not the judge and jury.
We choose to make the choices we do as human beings and at some point we have to be accountable for those choices when is it OK to to acknowledge that those choices are what we have to live with. When is it OK to say “no this isn’t right any longer and I’m not going to sit back and say it is”.
Accountability. Something I feel has been spoon fed to myself but has never been seen anyone around me to really wrap their head around.