Divorce

In silence I sit and realize that half of my breath is absent.

The air enters my throat but doesn’t seem to completely fill my lungs as it once did. Something is missing.

As my thoughts attempt to follow the same path traveled for so many years the absence of full breath redirects their progress and brings them to the developing brick path that is being newly paved over a more solid foundation, I cannot go there anymore, all detours have been closed and the old path has worn away.

There’s a numbness to this pain. So many years, waste is a word that has begun to enter my mind as I look to where the new path might possibly lead and yet even that word is numb as it enters my thoughts.

It is real this time, it has a momentum that is pressing my sanity and my growth. And so I sit in the silence and know that this absence of breath is real, it is not numbing, it is empty and lonely and silent and curious all wrapped up together. It is real.

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Waking at 4am

I woke this morning at 4 am and my mind went to the thought of what it would be like to discover that time of day, the beginning of a new day, lying next to someone I love…I had to stop typing and think for a minute…is it really that or is it simply waking next to someone and filling the human instinct that is human contact, after 5 years of waking alone…being who I am right now in this place…is that what it would equate to?

The solution to the equation that would fill the lonesomeness of  no human touch. I imagine in my mind the gentleness of passion, it fills the cup of our natural being fully. The opposition of gentleness and passion in our minds we fight because of the ego and control; so often times not being truly present in the fulfillment of the three thing that are our true spirit…our minds, our bodies and our spirit.

Is it the joining the three what equates to Love?

Yes I think it is…the joining of the three equate to our love of our own being and if that can include another being and being our full selves with them can make that grow then I do believe it equals Love.

This Was Real

Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.

This is the letter.

I have wanted for so long to see you love me,

to hear you love me,

to feel you love me.

My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.

You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.

I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.

This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.

I wonder if it will always live in me

and I wonder why it ever has.

We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.

It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…

there really is nothing to show.

The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.

 

Worth

There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.

Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.

My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.

But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of  battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.

You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.

I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.

I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…

The world of Ego…my Ego.

And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.

 

 

Who am I

The question is so loud in my mind.

Who am I?

The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.

Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.

I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.

I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this  world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be someone who is recognized.

I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.

I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.

I want to make  a difference in  my world.

I want to be open and free.

I want to feel love.

I want someone to want to know about me.

Who am I?

I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.

Who do I want to be?

Something different.

How did you Feel?

I wonder in this moment if this is how you felt.

As I sit here lost and alone it came across my thoughts, is this the same pain you felt.

Is it why on that day when hospice came to the house you accepted your path with such open arms? That day I saw a peace and a smile of happiness for yourself come over you for the first time, you saw an end to your suffering, an end to all of the pain you held so close within your soul.

It was always a mystery to me. They say you don’t really understand until you are there yourself.

I just found the pictures you left again, from when you were young, up until the time you left. I’ve looked at them before but never really saw them. You smiled then with such happiness, then when we were young. Then the shift becomes more apparent, you were so sad, you can see it in your eyes in the pictures, in the later pictures after you came here to this new world that you said you wanted so much. The same memory I have of you through those later days, until that one day, the day hospice came and you saw the end.

Why?  Such a subjective question. It set the tone for all 3 of us.

Did you ever realize what you were doing to us? How you were feeling, the energy you put into all of us? Is that what I’m doing? I wish I new how you felt.

Maybe if you had shared it, in a way that didn’t bring the guilt and pain that your expressions always brought, maybe then it wouldn’t be present now, maybe I would have understood and not been in this place now. Feeling like it’s possible, that this was how you felt, how you lived your life on this earth, ending up somewhere that was encompassed with all of that pain that I cannot even know, except for knowing my own.

I don’t know where you are because while you found relief in the final diagnosis it all remained in those last moments, all of the pain, the book at the hospice house said people die as they lived and certainly I think that was your case. We all then brought it forward with us. You died with all of it in that bed. You thought it would relinquish it all, to just leave here and to leave us because you were who you were, you thought it would all just go away, but it doesn’t work like that. You left it here with the 3 of us. You left it in that bed that night after we sat and watched you take that final breathe after such a struggle for so long.

None of it died with you. It manifested, it grew, it became who we are. It will do the same with him if time doesn’t provide the opportunity to change it. That will be the absolute end or maybe the very beginning. Both of you gone could possibly wipe that significant part of the slate clean. Then we will have no choice but to decide the direction we will take. To give you, and he, back the control that has taken the meaning of love and family and created  a world we have lived in, of pain, suffering and distortion, or will we try to find a way to begin what was the intention of the Lord so many years ago, the intention that you all took away.

I think this is how you felt, pain that is so often distorted. I would not be here right now if it wasn’t, mirroring what I learned.

I love you, I love him. I ….. me. Please take all this pain. Please don’t leave me to mirror how I think you might have felt. I’m scared. Please help me to see everything is going to be OK.