In silence I sit and realize that half of my breath is absent.
The air enters my throat but doesn’t seem to completely fill my lungs as it once did. Something is missing.
As my thoughts attempt to follow the same path traveled for so many years the absence of full breath redirects their progress and brings them to the developing brick path that is being newly paved over a more solid foundation, I cannot go there anymore, all detours have been closed and the old path has worn away.
There’s a numbness to this pain. So many years, waste is a word that has begun to enter my mind as I look to where the new path might possibly lead and yet even that word is numb as it enters my thoughts.
It is real this time, it has a momentum that is pressing my sanity and my growth. And so I sit in the silence and know that this absence of breath is real, it is not numbing, it is empty and lonely and silent and curious all wrapped up together. It is real.
I woke this morning at 4 am and my mind went to the thought of what it would be like to discover that time of day, the beginning of a new day, lying next to someone I love…I had to stop typing and think for a minute…is it really that or is it simply waking next to someone and filling the human instinct that is human contact, after 5 years of waking alone…being who I am right now in this place…is that what it would equate to?
The solution to the equation that would fill the lonesomeness of no human touch. I imagine in my mind the gentleness of passion, it fills the cup of our natural being fully. The opposition of gentleness and passion in our minds we fight because of the ego and control; so often times not being truly present in the fulfillment of the three thing that are our true spirit…our minds, our bodies and our spirit.
Is it the joining the three what equates to Love?
Yes I think it is…the joining of the three equate to our love of our own being and if that can include another being and being our full selves with them can make that grow then I do believe it equals Love.
Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.
This is the letter.
I have wanted for so long to see you love me,
to hear you love me,
to feel you love me.
My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.
You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.
I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.
This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.
I wonder if it will always live in me
and I wonder why it ever has.
We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.
It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…
there really is nothing to show.
The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.
There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.
Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.
My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.
But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.
You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.
I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.
I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…
The world of Ego…my Ego.
And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.
The question is so loud in my mind.
Who am I?
The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.
Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.
I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.
I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be someone who is recognized.
I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.
I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.
I want to make a difference in my world.
I want to be open and free.
I want to feel love.
I want someone to want to know about me.
Who am I?
I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.
Who do I want to be?
I’ve been listening to Chris Cornell all day after loosing him to the uninterpreted, painful, awful disease of disconnection we call mental illness/addiction.
For me, he and his bands Soundgarden and Audioslave enter the classification of heart and mind moving music, with people like Janice, Stevie, David, Amy and so many more that make people forget who they are and what our world presently is.
They envelop the nothingness and peace that we all deserve in those present moments that make everything real.