I woke this morning at 4 am and my mind went to the thought of what it would be like to discover that time of day, the beginning of a new day, lying next to someone I love…I had to stop typing and think for a minute…is it really that or is it simply waking next to someone and filling the human instinct that is human contact, after 5 years of waking alone…being who I am right now in this place…is that what it would equate to?
The solution to the equation that would fill the lonesomeness of no human touch. I imagine in my mind the gentleness of passion, it fills the cup of our natural being fully. The opposition of gentleness and passion in our minds we fight because of the ego and control; so often times not being truly present in the fulfillment of the three thing that are our true spirit…our minds, our bodies and our spirit.
Is it the joining the three what equates to Love?
Yes I think it is…the joining of the three equate to our love of our own being and if that can include another being and being our full selves with them can make that grow then I do believe it equals Love.
Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.
This is the letter.
I have wanted for so long to see you love me,
to hear you love me,
to feel you love me.
My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.
You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.
I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.
This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.
I wonder if it will always live in me
and I wonder why it ever has.
We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.
It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…
there really is nothing to show.
The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.
I held on tight.
I offered my heart…every second I was was present.
Trying in this moment to remember the feelings I had when I was with you is difficult. I feel the moments of that time slipping away.
There are things I know though, the pain has been embedded in my heart and the wall has been built, but you’re still there, a part of the section of my life that is filed under
” Love Attempted to Give”
This is where the hard work begins, because even as that wall gets taller in my heart, my soul knows what was true then and now; and so because of this I can recognize what is and always has been true…and then I see over to the other side of that wall.