This Was Real

Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.

This is the letter.

I have wanted for so long to see you love me,

to hear you love me,

to feel you love me.

My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.

You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.

I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.

This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.

I wonder if it will always live in me

and I wonder why it ever has.

We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.

It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…

there really is nothing to show.

The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.

 

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Who am I

The question is so loud in my mind.

Who am I?

The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.

Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.

I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.

I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this  world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be someone who is recognized.

I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.

I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.

I want to make  a difference in  my world.

I want to be open and free.

I want to feel love.

I want someone to want to know about me.

Who am I?

I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.

Who do I want to be?

Something different.

Something I Wrote A While Ago

 

I have spent 24 years trying to be something that I’m not.

My inability to be who I truly am around him, my authentic self, has led me to communicating in a very untruthful manner. I mean untruthful as my previous truth. The truth that I lived for the first life   The truth of insufficiency. The truth of anger and manipulation. The truth of fog that my mind remains in still, but less often.

Not being able to be my authentic self with him created such a conflict within me. The only real part of it was that I could not be authentic with anyone else, but as I have grown into who I am I have been able to become true to most all things except in him. And so comes the pain still and the destructive behaviors and the silence still remains…and yet I miss the distorted life I was living.

What is it that I miss? From an authentic me I know that there is nothing. The relationship brought me absolutely nothing but pain and question and anger and sadness but from my untruth, or my first life, I miss the care I gave to him, the sex, the quest for his approval and the hope that someday he would love me as he  does everyone else. We were toxic.

I brought out the worst in him and he in me and while we tried over this last 5 months to find a place of peace with each other it never was to be found. His peace is without me, it always has been, there with his friends being the new person he has become without our toxicity in his life…and my peace has been with God and on my journey working to let go of all of the symbols from my first life and remain in the forever changing world I am in.

Letting go for me has been much more difficult but I will always believe that that is because I have been invested in love, as I am with all things, and he was never invested in love because he never really loved me. That is why it was never said. It was him being true to himself and his knowledge of himself and who he truly is. This is not anyone’s fault. Especially not mine. It is just him being authentic in his own right and I have not been. There has lain the problem.

This was written in a moment of such pain but is one of the truest things I have ever put out for myself.

It’s the especially not mine part that I struggle with the most

A Letter to My Sisters

Dear Sisters,

I’ve spent a lot of time in mind with you both. From the early times when I used to go to the place of believing that if I was always there for you, at least telling you that, that I would make up for the time that destroyed what was supposed to be a family, our family. Through all of the separation and pain that was brought on us by the people who were our parents, through all of the mental health calamities and all of the co dependency through the death of our mother and through the continuation of life after that with all of it’s drama and pain. You see, as with the other aspects of our family I see all of the moments in time in our past as moments of pain. In the insanity, some way or another, it always came back to pain, someones or everyone’s. I look back and there isn’t a moment that I can remember even with times of smiles and laughter that isn’t linked back to pain for one or all of the people in our family.

It all begins at that moment in the court room. That was my second birth, and yours, I believe. A whole new life began then. and while for many years I believed that that moment was a mistake, a terrible horrible mistake made by evil forces at work,  I lived with the guilt of my decision, the decision of a 13 year old girl who had lived nothing but insanity all of her life, I was made to believe that it was my fault, my choice caused all the suffering that would then take place for all of the years to follow; up until that moment in the driveway. The moment when I first clearly heard Gods voice in my head telling me “Alaina this was my plan all along, I put you in your mothers life when I knew you could give each other what you were able too in the right way. You would never have survived being together at any other time in your lives” and it all lifted away. All of the pain and the past and the guilt I now had my answer and my place to go when I faltered or questioned the truth. God sent me his message at a time when I needed it the most and could hear it the best.

So where does that leave the “sister” relationship. Well this is the thing there is no relationship. The dysfunction and pain and refusal to see or deal with the reality of our lives. The refusal to be genuine and present with each other speaks bounds to the absence of anything real or true between us. I know for myself I have tried. I have attempted presence with each of you only to be hurt over and over again with words or non action. The narcissism that remains within you both is so overwhelming for me I choose not to let it be in my life anymore. My own co dependency on you all financially makes me sick with myself and what makes me even sicker is that it has always been as though that dependency was always in someway “payment” it seemed for me being who I was in the relationship. While it does make me sick with myself that does not mean that I will hold on to that sickness. That is done as yesterday is done and I don’t have to be that person anymore. I have spent to much mind space trying to define what it is that our ? really means and to no avail because it really doesn’t mean anything.  There never was a family. I believe that any more energy placed here will only be a detriment to myself. It shouldn’t be so hard, LOVE shouldn’t be this much work and pain.

How did you Feel?

I wonder in this moment if this is how you felt.

As I sit here lost and alone it came across my thoughts, is this the same pain you felt.

Is it why on that day when hospice came to the house you accepted your path with such open arms? That day I saw a peace and a smile of happiness for yourself come over you for the first time, you saw an end to your suffering, an end to all of the pain you held so close within your soul.

It was always a mystery to me. They say you don’t really understand until you are there yourself.

I just found the pictures you left again, from when you were young, up until the time you left. I’ve looked at them before but never really saw them. You smiled then with such happiness, then when we were young. Then the shift becomes more apparent, you were so sad, you can see it in your eyes in the pictures, in the later pictures after you came here to this new world that you said you wanted so much. The same memory I have of you through those later days, until that one day, the day hospice came and you saw the end.

Why?  Such a subjective question. It set the tone for all 3 of us.

Did you ever realize what you were doing to us? How you were feeling, the energy you put into all of us? Is that what I’m doing? I wish I new how you felt.

Maybe if you had shared it, in a way that didn’t bring the guilt and pain that your expressions always brought, maybe then it wouldn’t be present now, maybe I would have understood and not been in this place now. Feeling like it’s possible, that this was how you felt, how you lived your life on this earth, ending up somewhere that was encompassed with all of that pain that I cannot even know, except for knowing my own.

I don’t know where you are because while you found relief in the final diagnosis it all remained in those last moments, all of the pain, the book at the hospice house said people die as they lived and certainly I think that was your case. We all then brought it forward with us. You died with all of it in that bed. You thought it would relinquish it all, to just leave here and to leave us because you were who you were, you thought it would all just go away, but it doesn’t work like that. You left it here with the 3 of us. You left it in that bed that night after we sat and watched you take that final breathe after such a struggle for so long.

None of it died with you. It manifested, it grew, it became who we are. It will do the same with him if time doesn’t provide the opportunity to change it. That will be the absolute end or maybe the very beginning. Both of you gone could possibly wipe that significant part of the slate clean. Then we will have no choice but to decide the direction we will take. To give you, and he, back the control that has taken the meaning of love and family and created  a world we have lived in, of pain, suffering and distortion, or will we try to find a way to begin what was the intention of the Lord so many years ago, the intention that you all took away.

I think this is how you felt, pain that is so often distorted. I would not be here right now if it wasn’t, mirroring what I learned.

I love you, I love him. I ….. me. Please take all this pain. Please don’t leave me to mirror how I think you might have felt. I’m scared. Please help me to see everything is going to be OK.