This Was Real

Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.

This is the letter.

I have wanted for so long to see you love me,

to hear you love me,

to feel you love me.

My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.

You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.

I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.

This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.

I wonder if it will always live in me

and I wonder why it ever has.

We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.

It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…

there really is nothing to show.

The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.

 

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The Moments I Remember You

I held on tight.

I offered my heart…every second I was was present.

Trying in this moment to remember the feelings I had when I was with you is difficult. I feel the moments of that time slipping away.

There are things I know though, the pain has been embedded in my heart and the wall has been built, but you’re still there, a part of the section of my life that is filed under

” Love Attempted to Give”

This is where the hard work begins, because even as that wall gets taller in my heart, my soul knows what was true then and now; and so because of this I can recognize what is and always has been true…and then I see over to the other side of that wall.