Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.
This is the letter.
I have wanted for so long to see you love me,
to hear you love me,
to feel you love me.
My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.
You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.
I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.
This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.
I wonder if it will always live in me
and I wonder why it ever has.
We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.
It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…
there really is nothing to show.
The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.
There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.
Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.
My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.
But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.
You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.
I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.
I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…
The world of Ego…my Ego.
And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.
The silence stirs the mind to fill the void of nothing that challenges the sense of sound.
I’ve grown so accustomed to it.
Hearing only the buzzing in my mind amidst the subtle hum of electricity running through the fan as the blades create a gentle whoosh through the stillness that embraces the silence. The occasional crash of ice falling from the machine in the freezer and every once in a while, the faint groan of a jet flying overhead leaving behind a curious stillness on its journey.
Not even the sound of traffic in the distance or a long-traveled train on occasion, nothing, nothing filling the void, nothing but the hum in my mind and the voices in my head conversing about my world and guiding it into questionable sanity, and the silence where it hides.
When I think outside the window into the darkness of the night the darkness space appears in my mind. A darkness of quantum proportions as if the silence begins to tumble out of control into the deepest holes in the stratosphere, ending nowhere. Carrying with it all the emptiness that exists in the moment that it surrounds.
The silence remains forever.