The New Course Begins

In silence I sit and realize that half of my breath is absent.

The air enters my throat but doesn’t seem to completely fill my lungs as it once did. Something is missing.

As my thoughts attempt to follow the same path traveled for so many years the absence of full breath redirects their progress and brings them to the developing brick path that is being newly paved over a more solid foundation, I cannot go there anymore, all detours have been closed and the old path has worn away.

There’s a numbness to this pain. So many years, waste is a word that has begun to enter my mind as I look to where the new path might possibly lead and yet even that word is numb as it enters my thoughts.

It is real this time, it has a momentum that is pressing my sanity and my growth. And so I sit in the silence and know that this absence of breath is real, it is not numbing, it is empty and lonely and silent and curious all wrapped up together. It is real.

Waking at 4am

I woke this morning at 4 am and my mind went to the thought of what it would be like to discover that time of day, the beginning of a new day, lying next to someone I love…I had to stop typing and think for a minute…is it really that or is it simply waking next to someone and filling the human instinct that is human contact, after 5 years of waking alone…being who I am right now in this place…is that what it would equate to?

The solution to the equation that would fill the lonesomeness of  no human touch. I imagine in my mind the gentleness of passion, it fills the cup of our natural being fully. The opposition of gentleness and passion in our minds we fight because of the ego and control; so often times not being truly present in the fulfillment of the three thing that are our true spirit…our minds, our bodies and our spirit.

Is it the joining the three what equates to Love?

Yes I think it is…the joining of the three equate to our love of our own being and if that can include another being and being our full selves with them can make that grow then I do believe it equals Love.

This Was Real

Today I woke up very melancholy. The day unfolded from there and I came upon a letter I wrote some where between 2013 and 2015.

This is the letter.

I have wanted for so long to see you love me,

to hear you love me,

to feel you love me.

My mind has so often tricked me into believing that someday, in some moment it would happen…the light would shine in your heart and through your eyes and the receptors would trigger in your mind and you would reach out for me and kiss me and hold me tight.

You would let me hold you and love you as I so desire to hold and love someone, for so very long now, you.

I can feel the beauty of your body and have waited for the moment when you could feel the beauty of mine.

This fantasy is at some of the deepest depths of my pain. I tried so hard. I wanted it so much and I worked at it with every ounce of energy and sanity I had.

I wonder if it will always live in me

and I wonder why it ever has.

We had a lot of life together, 20 years and it is now done.

It ends with such a huge hole of questioning… what it really was all about…

there really is nothing to show.

The way we lived…so apart… I was so lonely all of the time…never feeling good enough….honestly never being good enough.

 

Worth

There was a moment of awakening that crept within for me this week. An attempted battle in my initial thoughts and then the other side helping to open my mind to the way I see it.

Letting myself see that there are parts of being human that I cannot escape.

My worth….It is an extension of both worlds and necessary in both.

But accepting that I must have it in the world of my ego is something of a place of  battled acceptance….recognizing that it is a part of both worlds…that it is not a bad word.a hard word. a word that only stems from the ego.

You see we must have worth… it must present itself within light…in our Godly world as well….and so it is that it is a part of both worlds.

I felt my worth this week…for the first time…in a place of authenticity….an energy that exists in both worlds… it is truly the definition of term.

I sit still….forcing myself to recognize and embrace the feeling and at the same time enlighten myself to the fact that it exists in the world I am so often fighting against…

The world of Ego…my Ego.

And so here is the question…What is the worth of our Ego? It has to be an extension of.

 

 

Who am I

The question is so loud in my mind.

Who am I?

The apparent answers don’t seem to fit, they all are attached to some one or something outside of myself.

Even recognizing the ultimate answer, the answer that has gotten me through is unspeakable in this moment.

I have no idea what the answer is to the question in the world of the reality we all live in.

I wait, I pray, but the core of me has no attachment in this  world and so I have to recognize that I float through this world not really knowing.

Who do I want to be?

I want to be someone who is recognized.

I want to be the person everyone has always me told I am.

I want people in my life, I don’t want to be alone any longer.

I want to make  a difference in  my world.

I want to be open and free.

I want to feel love.

I want someone to want to know about me.

Who am I?

I am an entity floating through this life lost and unattached, imagining what it could possibly feel like to be something else.

Who do I want to be?

Something different.

A Letter To My Children

Judgement. I’m not really sure where you learned this and I’m really not sure when it was that our world shifted and somehow you all landed in a place believing it was something that you were entitled to in our relationship. Maybe because of the dysfunction of my family. The role your Aunts and Grandparents took in your lives, often times presumptive roles that were exacerbated by my lack of self worth or maybe it was the influence and witnessing of your father and how he treated me, again exacerbated by my own lack of self worth. Maybe it was all of the above. Whatever it was that brought you to this place I became awakened to my real feelings about it around 2 am this past Thursday morning and I can say that I will no longer sit back and and be the victim of this choice that you all make.

I want you to know that to assume to know or understand my life and who I am at this point in your own lives,or honestly even ever,  is an impossible task. For any of you at the ages of 31, 22 or 19 there could be no possible way for you to have any idea of who I was or what my life had been at the same ages as you right now and to assume that you can make any type of assessment of my life from that age up until the age I am now is impossible, as you yourselves have not lived that long to know what those years are even like in a lifetime.

At 31 years old I had 3 children; 12, 4 and 1. By that time I had lived in 4 different states (two multiple times) and 2 different countries, I was on my second marriage to a man who informed me after two weeks of marriage that he had made a mistake and proceeded to live that way for the many years of our union. I had been a single mother to you, J, by that point for approximately 9 of those 12 years, with no help at all from your father. I did have the blessing, as did you, of help from your grandmother and grandfather at varying degrees and at different points of your life up to that point. That would continue throughout the next 10+ years until your mid 20s, again a blessing for both you and I. But among the times of help from your grandparents I was alone, trying to do it with you, alone. I did the best I could with the tools I had and if there are things about yourself that you wish to choose to judge me about than I suppose that would be appropriate, I would prefer a conversation, to apologize and to ask for7\ forgiveness, but it is the part of my journey that is your,s so how you deal with it is your choice.

By the time you came into the world I had been the product of a terribly negative divorce that began at age 8, separated from my sisters and my mother by the age of 12 and exposed to a multitude of women in my fathers life while at the same time being “raised” by the woman who remained in the dysfunctional girlfriend role to my father and who exposed me to all of their insanity. I had to search for role models throughout this time growing up, attaching myself to people and families that I felt were interested in giving me the love and acceptance I needed so desperately. This also translated into my male relationships and at times translated into obscure abuse.

This is just a summary of experiences that had taken place up until I was your exact age, a very brief summary that is in no way an attempt at an explanation or an excuse, and does not even begin to touch on the world that evolved from 31 until now, again a time you cannot even begin to relate to as you haven’t been there and I hope never will be.

While I am not trying to write your own personal story for you I do know that, being your mother and the person walking next to you for most of your time on this earth, your life has not unfolded in any way the same as what I have just shared with you so I’m sure you can understand what it is that I am saying when I say judgement of me and my life can in no way be possible.

R, by the age of 22 I had one child, had lived in 3 states, two multiple times, been married once and had been though all of summarized  years above that described my youth. My world was in so many ways different than anything you have ever lived. There have been moments in time, in our relationship, that I do not even hesitate to think you are in judgement of because of the things that unfolded, that you were exposed to, and for those things I will always be sorry from the deepest places in my heart and soul. I know though that for you, things still are very different than where I was at the same time and I know that judgement is never OK when coming from a place that does not reflect in anyway our own experiences.

For all of you. What you have experienced being next to me in this journey of family has been in and of its own self…insanity. I hope an insanity that you never have to experience yourselves from the perspective of mother, wife, daughter, sister or human being. The fact that you have a perspective on this part at all is upsetting to me but you were my children, growing up in my world, and for that you have every right to feelings about your personal experiences and where they have brought you but unfortunately you had no choice but to be along for the ride I will say that reaching this point in my life, with more than half of my life over, and looking back knowing that happiness has been so fleeting and joy so rarely felt; knowing how hard I fought for love and family and foundation for myself while at the same time working to create all of it for you all,  with no real tools to speak of and being emotionally alone throughout every breath up until now, is very bitter sweet. For I now have to go forward still fighting, but in a different way, to hopefully finally create that love and family and foundation for myself alone, in hopes that there will come a time when I actually get to feel it and know it is there before I go on to be with my God. I know that I have created for you all all of these things and as long as you are willing to open your hearts to them; love, family and foundation are without a doubt instilled in you and were put there by me, a woman who has survived her own life to the end of being able to start again and a mother who has given each of you the gift of independence, love and security and most of all non judgement.

Something I Wrote A While Ago

 

I have spent 24 years trying to be something that I’m not.

My inability to be who I truly am around him, my authentic self, has led me to communicating in a very untruthful manner. I mean untruthful as my previous truth. The truth that I lived for the first life   The truth of insufficiency. The truth of anger and manipulation. The truth of fog that my mind remains in still, but less often.

Not being able to be my authentic self with him created such a conflict within me. The only real part of it was that I could not be authentic with anyone else, but as I have grown into who I am I have been able to become true to most all things except in him. And so comes the pain still and the destructive behaviors and the silence still remains…and yet I miss the distorted life I was living.

What is it that I miss? From an authentic me I know that there is nothing. The relationship brought me absolutely nothing but pain and question and anger and sadness but from my untruth, or my first life, I miss the care I gave to him, the sex, the quest for his approval and the hope that someday he would love me as he  does everyone else. We were toxic.

I brought out the worst in him and he in me and while we tried over this last 5 months to find a place of peace with each other it never was to be found. His peace is without me, it always has been, there with his friends being the new person he has become without our toxicity in his life…and my peace has been with God and on my journey working to let go of all of the symbols from my first life and remain in the forever changing world I am in.

Letting go for me has been much more difficult but I will always believe that that is because I have been invested in love, as I am with all things, and he was never invested in love because he never really loved me. That is why it was never said. It was him being true to himself and his knowledge of himself and who he truly is. This is not anyone’s fault. Especially not mine. It is just him being authentic in his own right and I have not been. There has lain the problem.

This was written in a moment of such pain but is one of the truest things I have ever put out for myself.

It’s the especially not mine part that I struggle with the most

Today

Yesterday my daughter read me a post that my eldest posted on Facebook in response to the Donald Trump fiasco that we are living through currently.

Today I got to read the post myself and I have to say that my emotions as a parent surfaced at a level I only ever have experienced when she actually went through her trial.

The conversation was this:

A little over a month ago I was assaulted. The man who did it was someone known to me that I had heard talking about women much the way Donald Trump did on that tape. At a certain point, the man who assaulted me believed that I was in a position where I could do nothing to change my situation. He believed that he had rights to my body even though I never gave those rights to him. While he was wrong, and I did alter those circumstances, the change the assault affected in me will probably never go away. There was a time where I might have accepted Donald Trumps statements as “locker room talk”, but I know now that the line between the man who “talks” and the man who takes action on those words is practically non-existent. Donald Trump’s candidacy has normalized sects of our culture that once were hidden. He’s given racists, misogynists, and any other number of actual deplorable a standard behind which to flock. We CANNOT allow him to do the same for the predators among us. I implore you all, don’t waste your vote. This election is not a joke. Please share this in the hopes that we might reach one Trump supporter that needs some clarity.

This was my daughters post

So I’ve been thinking about what to say about my daughters post since reading it myself this morning. First I want to say that the amazing strength and honesty of J, and of all my children, never ceases to amaze me. This itself is enough to support her but even more motivating for me is her eloquence in communicating such an ultra valid point in the craziness that has become the road to our next presidency.

Everything has a reason it is what it is. Because we are human it’s inevitable, we as imperfect beings create the world we live in and that is my point.As women we’ve had to conform to survive and we have. But at some point we have to be able to set boundaries and have them accepted…unconditionally..and from there more peace and respect will flow. Ask any female bartender what the reality of their world is.

Donald Trump didn’t even choose to say “grab her ass”. No instead he said “grab her pussy”. I challenge any man reading this to have someone say”ya man I want to grab her pussy” about your sister, mother, wife or friend and not get up and punch them in the face. Remember who he was referring to could be anyone of those.
My daughters post was to ask that people think about what it is that we are putting out there into the world. Not about who your voting for.
I love you. My b… � and you amaze me at every turn.

This was my response.

 

I Love you Boob..  So very much..

How did you Feel?

I wonder in this moment if this is how you felt.

As I sit here lost and alone it came across my thoughts, is this the same pain you felt.

Is it why on that day when hospice came to the house you accepted your path with such open arms? That day I saw a peace and a smile of happiness for yourself come over you for the first time, you saw an end to your suffering, an end to all of the pain you held so close within your soul.

It was always a mystery to me. They say you don’t really understand until you are there yourself.

I just found the pictures you left again, from when you were young, up until the time you left. I’ve looked at them before but never really saw them. You smiled then with such happiness, then when we were young. Then the shift becomes more apparent, you were so sad, you can see it in your eyes in the pictures, in the later pictures after you came here to this new world that you said you wanted so much. The same memory I have of you through those later days, until that one day, the day hospice came and you saw the end.

Why?  Such a subjective question. It set the tone for all 3 of us.

Did you ever realize what you were doing to us? How you were feeling, the energy you put into all of us? Is that what I’m doing? I wish I new how you felt.

Maybe if you had shared it, in a way that didn’t bring the guilt and pain that your expressions always brought, maybe then it wouldn’t be present now, maybe I would have understood and not been in this place now. Feeling like it’s possible, that this was how you felt, how you lived your life on this earth, ending up somewhere that was encompassed with all of that pain that I cannot even know, except for knowing my own.

I don’t know where you are because while you found relief in the final diagnosis it all remained in those last moments, all of the pain, the book at the hospice house said people die as they lived and certainly I think that was your case. We all then brought it forward with us. You died with all of it in that bed. You thought it would relinquish it all, to just leave here and to leave us because you were who you were, you thought it would all just go away, but it doesn’t work like that. You left it here with the 3 of us. You left it in that bed that night after we sat and watched you take that final breathe after such a struggle for so long.

None of it died with you. It manifested, it grew, it became who we are. It will do the same with him if time doesn’t provide the opportunity to change it. That will be the absolute end or maybe the very beginning. Both of you gone could possibly wipe that significant part of the slate clean. Then we will have no choice but to decide the direction we will take. To give you, and he, back the control that has taken the meaning of love and family and created  a world we have lived in, of pain, suffering and distortion, or will we try to find a way to begin what was the intention of the Lord so many years ago, the intention that you all took away.

I think this is how you felt, pain that is so often distorted. I would not be here right now if it wasn’t, mirroring what I learned.

I love you, I love him. I ….. me. Please take all this pain. Please don’t leave me to mirror how I think you might have felt. I’m scared. Please help me to see everything is going to be OK.